Marriage Fisticuffs
by Mag68
Summary: Written in response to a prompt by Domenica Marie. It may not be exactly as she envisioned it, but I have a plam. At least, I think I do. Starts in Merry Fisticuffs. What will Lorelai do when she finds out that her French elopement is not legal?
1. Another Twist

**A/N: This story is in response to a prompt by Domenica Marie. It may not be exactly what she envisioned when she pitched her idea, but I have a plan. At least, I think I do. Starts during Merry Fisticuffs. What if Lorelai found out that her French elopement was not legal. Would she say those words again?**

**Another Twist**

Lorelai pulled to a stop in front of the house and sighed when she saw that Christopher's car was not there. She grabbed her purse from the passenger seat and trudged toward the house. She opened the front door, dropped her purse on the table and shrugged out of her coat. When Paul Anka came to greet her, she bent down and ruffled his scraggly fur. "Chris isn't here, huh?"

Paul Anka whimpered softly and then turned tail and ran back to Rory's old room. Lorelai followed him into the kitchen. "I know, it's an awful girly color, but soon a little girl will live here," she told him as he curled into a ball at the threshold. Lorelai peeked into the room and frowned as she inspected the new décor. _What did he want from her?_ she wondered. _I married him. We're going to raise Gigi together. So what if this house is small? Why is it wrong that I don't want to take on a new step-child and a new baby all at once? Yeah, I planned a big wedding with Luke. So what? That never happened. Maybe there was a reason for that,_ she thought bitterly. _Maybe I'm not meant to have orchestras and orchids. Maybe I'm not meant to be starting new. Maybe I'm supposed to be picking up where I dropped the ball. It's all too much. Shouldn't this be enough? _"I married him. That's what he said he wanted," she told Paul Anka. The dog spared her a nervous glance and then lowered his eyes again, his chin resting on his paws.

Lorelai closed her eyes for a moment, desperately trying to block out the picture of that perfect little rose covered chapel. In its place, she superimposed the Mildred Manor Ballroom packed full of tables draped in fine linens and gigantic centerpieces that made Audrey II look like a shrinking violet. "Feed me, Seymour," Lorelai muttered as she walked to the fridge. She inspected its contents for a moment, and then let the door swing shut. With a quick glance at the front door, she walked over to the cabinet under the sink and rummaged around in the back until she pulled an unopened box of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch from the very back. She slid one finger under the tab and popped the seal as she murmured, "Try to deny me the Cap'n."

She shuffled back toward the living room as she snarfed a handful of the sugary sweet peanut butter flavored goodness_. Bad enough to be doomed to a life without Luke's coffee, but I'm sure as hell not living without the Cap'n,_ she thought mutinously as she flopped onto the couch. _Luke._ Lorelai pressed the fist holding a handful of cereal to her chest, trying to suppress the ache in her heart. _Luke pushing that stroller. Luke holding that tiny pink bundle. Oh God, his smile when he looked at that baby girl. Kids would be good. _ Lorelai shook her head violently, trying to dislodge the image from her mind, before the thought could take hold in her mind. "It should have been us," the thought emerged unbidden. _How could I even think of having another kid with Chris when all I can see is that tiny fist wrapped around the tip of Luke's finger?_ she wondered.

"No, no, no," she muttered under her breath. Lorelai poured the cereal in her hand into her mouth and tucked the box between her legs as she reached for the remote. The phone rang, and she turned to look at it, her eyes wide as she jumped up, spilling the cereal onto the floor and chewing furiously as she hurried to it. She snatched the phone from the charger as she forced the dry cereal down her throat and gasped, "Hello?" without bothering to check the caller ID.

"Hi! Lorelai? It's Sherry," an overly perky voice answered.

"Oh! Um, hi, Sherry," Lorelai said as she pressed her hand to her chest, trying to force the cereal down her esophagus.

"Is Christopher at home? I tried his cell, but it keeps going straight to voice mail," she chirped.

"Um, no, he's not," Lorelai said as she looked around the empty room. "Uh, he may have it off. He said he had a meeting," Lorelai fibbed.

"Oh, okay, well I just wanted to let you guys know that I finalized our travel arrangements. Georgia and I will be flying back on the 26th, we should land in New York at about four that afternoon," Sherry confirmed.

"Four o'clock on the 26th," Lorelai repeated.

"It's so good of you guys to let me keep her through Christmas. We've been having the most wonderful time," Sherry cooed.

"Well, good, I'm glad. Uh, no, Christmas isn't a problem. Rory won't be back from London until the 28th, so we won't be celebrating until then anyway," she explained.

"That's great, just great, Lorelai," Sherry gushed. "And Christopher told me that you guys were going to have a ceremony in January? Get officially hitched in front of God and Hartford?" she giggled.

"So it seems," Lorelai said with a puzzled laugh.

"Well, that's great. I'm so happy that it's finally working out for you both. I told Christopher that when he told me that you guys tried to elope while you were here. It's fate that you two are finally together."

"Yeah, uh, we did elope," Lorelai said slowly.

Sherry's tinkling laugh traveled across the Atlantic. "I know," she said affectionately. "Isn't that just like Christopher? Such a romantic fool. Like you can just show up in a foreign country and get married," she chuckled. "Of course, I suppose there are places where you can do that," she added as an afterthought. "But certainly not France," she laughed. "Believe me, as soon as I can convince Jean-Pierre that it won't block his chakra, I'm dragging him to the nearest _officier de l'état civil_," she giggled. "That was the step you guys missed, the civil ceremony. Well, and the residency thing too," she said with a breezy laugh. "Anyway, it'll all be fixed in January, and things will be just as they were written in the stars."

"Stars?" Lorelai asked blankly.

"You and Christopher will finally be married after all of these years. You know, I thought about it long and hard, I thought I should be jealous, but I'm not. I want you to know that. Like I said, its fate!"

"Fate," Lorelai murmured.

"Anyway, when you see Christopher, ask him to give us a call and I'll firm everything up with him. Oh! And tell him to call earlier. He keeps messing up the times and I have to wake Georgia up to talk to him," Sherry instructed. "_Au revoir_, Lorelai," she said cheerily.

"Bye, Sherry," Lorelai whispered as she lowered the phone and stared at it with a perplexed frown. After a full minute passed, she managed to move her thumb to the off button and took a half-hearted stab at it as she stood rooted to the spot. "Civil ceremony?" she asked softly. Lorelai looked down at the thick gold band Christopher had slipped onto her finger a full hour after they had said, 'I do.' His smile was bright, his eyes sparkling with unrestrained excitement as he pressed a fingertip to the glass case in the teeny tiny jewelry store in the next teeny tiny town they visited. He pointed to diamonds, he pointed to rubies, sapphires and emeralds, but in the end, Christopher finally acquiesced to the plain gold band she had pointed to after she shook her head at all of the above.

What she couldn't tell him was that she couldn't bear to put another man's diamond on this finger. What she did say was that she loved him, which was true. She just wasn't in love with him. _Yet,_ she reminded herself sternly. _Time, they just needed time. These feelings would fade. Other feelings would take their place. They just needed a little more time. _At least, that's what she told herself every morning and every night.

Each day it got a little easier. She liked having him there. She liked having someone to wake up with and someone to talk to at night. She liked the way he could talk and talk, filling the empty house with enough noise to drown out the quiet. Or at least, as well as a snarky chatterbox can fill the oppressive silence left behind by a nearly mono-syllabic diner guy. _Who knew it could be so loud? _she mused. She didn't let herself think about him anymore. She didn't wait to hear his voice calling her name. She didn't roll over and expect to feel him, smell him, or taste him anymore. That was over. He didn't love her. He didn't want her. Christopher did. _Christopher wants me enough to marry me._

Lorelai snapped out of her daze and hurried to the kitchen table. She opened the laptop that Christopher habitually left there and pressed the power button. When the desktop sprang to life, she clicked the internet icon and sank down into a chair, her heart hammering in her chest. "Buttercup and buttercream," she murmured, as she waited for the home page to load. "Cornish game hens and Burt Bacharach. Oh my God," she whispered in a rush, her voice cracking as she pressed a hand to her stomach to keep it from rebelling. She clicked on the Google icon and watched as the search engine sprang up. Her fingers hovered over the keys as she tried to figure out what to type. At last, she entered 'Americans marry in France' and hit the enter button. She selected the first entry that popped up and began to scan the page, devouring the information without truly comprehending what she was seeing at first.

By the time she reached the bottom of the page, she couldn't hold on any longer. Lorelai jumped from the chair, turned and lunged for the sink just before emptying the contents of her stomach into the stainless steel basin. With a flick of her wrist, she ran the cold water, cupping it to her lips and slurping from her palm noisily. Lorelai rinsed the bile from her mouth and groped blindly for a dishtowel. Pressing it to her lips, she stood up grasping the edge of the counter for support.

She blinked slowly and then whispered, "We're not married," testing the words out, tasting the bitter tang of them on her tongue. "I'm not married."

****

Christopher sat at the bar at Casey's and tossed back another shot. He chased it with a sip of beer and signaled for a refill as his phone buzzed and danced on the counter.

"Popular guy," the bartender commented genially as he placed a fresh mug of beer in front of him.

"Yeah, I'm really likeable," Chris answered snidely.

The bartender rolled his eyes as he turned away and muttered, "Yeah, I can see that," under his breath.

Christopher stared at the number on the display and then pushed the phone aside as he lifted the frosty mug to his lips. _She thinks I don't know. She thinks I can't see it. She thinks I should be happy to live in the house that he renovated for them. She thinks I shouldn't mind sleeping in his bed. She thinks I didn't see the way she looked at him, the way he looked at her, they way they looked at that little baby in her arms. She thinks I don't know,_ he ranted to himself. Christopher gulped back half of the mug and then set the glass down a tad too forcefully, drawing the attention of the bartender and the other two patrons. _I know that she still loves him, but she said yes to me, dammit. I know that she still wants him, but I would be so much better for her. I could give her everything. The house, the kids, the goddamn castle in Ireland. I would give her anything she could possibly dream of if only she would look at me that way. Why won't she look at me that way?_

Christopher watched out of the corner of his eye as the other two customers slid from their stools and made their way to the door. He turned his mug on the scarred wooden bar, watching the amber liquid slip and slide over the smooth glass.

"Gonna close up soon," the bartender warned him.

Chris looked at his watch and smirked when he saw that it was only 8:30. "One more?" he asked as he pulled a fifty dollar bill from his wallet and slid it across the bar. He lifted the half empty mug and paused as he waited for the man's decision.

The bartender raised his eyebrows and said, "Sure, buddy, why not?" As Christopher drank, he moved to the taps, pulled another mug of beer and then tucked the bill into the pocket of his worn jeans. "You're Lorelai's husband, aren'tcha?" he asked.

Christopher nodded slowly as he placed the empty beer mug on the bar and pulled the full one closer to him. "Yep. That's me. Mr. Lorelai Gilmore," he said as he raised his mug and toasted the man.

The bartender chuckled. "You could do much worse. She's a nice lady, Lorelai."

"Yes, very nice," Christopher said with a slightly facetious edge to his voice.

The man's eyes narrowed for a second as he studied Christopher closely. He tapped his fingers on the bar and said brusquely, "Finish up. I'm gonna clean up in back."

Chris watched him walk away, idly wondering what he had said or done to offend the guy.

****

Lorelai sat in the same spot on the couch that she had claimed three hours before. She was much calmer now. She traced her fingernail over the back of the cordless phone resting on her thigh, never taking her eyes off of it. When it rang for the tenth time, she lifted it and looked at the display. With a heavy sigh, she gave in and answered it this time. "Hi, Mom," she said with a sigh.

"Lorelai Gilmore Hayden, that little display this afternoon was inexcusable," Emily berated. Lorelai held the phone away from her ear and listened as her mother reiterated every sentiment she had expressed in the previous nine messages she had left.

"Lorelai Gilmore," Lorelai corrected softly when Emily paused for a breath.

"Oh, yes, you are the quintessential modern woman, Lorelai," Emily said condescendingly. "I am doing this for your benefit, young lady. A party like this doesn't just happen, you know! It takes weeks of careful planning and preparation. You have no idea how lucky I was to get Randall, he's very much in demand, and I don't appreciate you treating all of this so cavalierly," Emily said angrily.

"Randall's great, Mom. The next time Liza gets married, you should recommend him to her," Lorelai said as she rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"You are not funny," Emily said through clenched teeth. "I'm trying to plan a beautiful party for you. Christopher wants it too. He's the one who suggested that we get a minister to perform the vow renewal," Emily said with a sniff.

"He did?" Lorelai asked as the final piece of the puzzle fell into place.

"Why, yes, and I thought it was a lovely idea. After all, whether you care or not, I know that your father and I would have loved to have been there. Rory and Gigi too, I'm sure. I know that you thought that you were doing the romantic impetuous thing by eloping in France, but Lorelai, there are people who would have loved to have been a part of seeing you and Christopher finally taking this step. What about poor Francine?" Emily said pointedly.

"So, to have the minister do the, uh, renewal thing, do we need to get a marriage license?" Lorelai asked abruptly.

"A license? Whatever for?" Emily asked.

"We don't have to show any actually proof, though, right?" Lorelai persisted.

"Proof?" Emily asked, taken aback. "Why are you worried about proof?"

"I mean, it's in French," Lorelai said quickly.

"Well, I'm sure that the legal paperwork is easily translatable."

"I'm not sure that we have gotten it yet," Lorelai hedged.

"I don't believe you need it, your father and I didn't need to show our marriage license when we renewed our vows."

"I'm just not sure that doing a whole big ceremony y thing is the best idea," Lorelai hedged.

"Lorelai, I don't understand why you refuse to do this one simple thing for us," Emily said impatiently. "It isn't as if you haven't already said the words."

"Oh, I said them," Lorelai laughed. "For what that was worth," she added under her breath.

"Then you'll do the vow renewal?" Emily persisted.

"I, uh, I guess," Lorelai stammered, her mind racing.

"Excellent. What was the name of the little village you got married in? I'll contact the proper authorities and make sure that the paperwork is in order," Emily said as she held her pen to the notepad in front of her.

"Oh, no, that's okay," Lorelai said quickly.

Emily paused for a moment and then said, "I don't mind following up on it."

"No, I'll take care of it," Lorelai assured her.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Emily hesitated for a moment and then said, "Very well. I'll send over the sample menus that Randall and I decided on. Please be sure to sit down with Christopher and talk over the music," she added with a heavy sigh.

"Don't worry, Mom, Christopher will be facing the music here soon," Lorelai said with a grim laugh.

"You have the strangest sense of humor. Goodbye, Lorelai," Emily said, and then hung up with a decisive click. Emily paused, staring at the telephone in her hand for a moment. She pressed her lips together in a firm line and began dialing again. "Hello, Hopey? It's Em…"

****

Lorelai pressed her head back into the couch cushion and stared up at the ceiling. _Yes, we'll face the music and dance, Mother. Dance. We were gonna dance to that song we danced to at Liz and TJ's wedding. The invitations had very unmanly daisies on them and no parchment to be found. The flowers were going to be pink and cream and perfect. There was a carousel behind the hall. We were going to have duck sausage rolls, _she thought as a tear seeped from her eye. _Can't they see? I can't plan another wedding. Not now, not yet. _Lorelai brushed the tear away impatiently as she sat up, groping around on the couch cushion for her cell phone. She flipped it open and began to push the keys, typing out a message that he couldn't ignore.

****

Christopher downed the last of his beer, picked up his keys and phone and dropped them into his pocket as he walked unsteadily toward the door. The cool air hit him full in the face, making him more alert as he crossed the sidewalk heading for the silver Volvo that was the symbol of his lost youth. He heard a car door slam and looked up, spying Luke as he reached into the bed of his ancient pick-up truck. _What could she possibly see in that guy?_ he wondered, his blood beginning to boil at the sight of the scruffy diner owner. _He's just some schmuck who runs a broken down greasy spoon in a two bit hick town that can't even serve decent whiskey in their one bar,_ Chris thought.

The cheap whiskey and beer he had tossed back all evening began to roil in his stomach, setting his blood on fire. _Look at him,_ he thought as Luke looked up and caught sight of him. _That jackass punched me in the face. He's nothing. He has nothing. Hell, he's even losing his hair, _Chris thought with a sneer as he straightened up and started walking toward Luke. _Come on, Burger Chef, bring it on! You won't get to sucker punch me this time. She belongs with me._ His jaw set in determination, Christopher jerked the scarf from his neck; picking up speed as Luke crossed the street. He saw him shrug out of the leather coat he wore, and knew that his unspoken challenge was being answered. Once he was within striking distance, Christopher took the first swing and missed by a mile. He did, however, take a good shot to the gut. As he doubled over, Christopher couldn't help think that it was par for the course.

****

_He knew. He knew._ Lorelai couldn't shake the stabbing pain of betrayal that pierced her heart. _He knew that it wasn't legal, and yet, he just kept pretending. Was he ever going to tell me? Would I have ever known?_

She heard a car door slam and sprung from the couch. She peeked through the lace curtains and saw Christopher walking slowly across the yard. By the time he reached the porch she swung the front door open and glared at him. Christopher stopped and stared back, his chin lifted in defiance.

"What? Does the phone tree work that fast?" he asked snidely. He held up his phone showing the text message that read only, 'We need to talk. Come home now.'

"Were you ever going to tell me that we're not really married?" she demanded.

tbc


	2. Pardon Me While I Twist the Knife

**A/N: I know you're going to hate this chapter, but please hang with me. She has to get where she's going.**

**Pardon Me While I Twist the Knife**

_He knew. He knew._ Lorelai couldn't shake the stabbing pain of betrayal that pierced her heart. _He knew that it wasn't legal, and yet, he just kept pretending. Was he ever going to tell me? Would I have ever known?_

She heard a car door slam and sprung from the couch. She peeked through the lace curtains and saw Christopher walking slowly across the yard. By the time he reached the porch she swung the front door open and glared at him. Christopher stopped and stared back, his chin lifted in defiance.

"What? Does the phone tree work that fast?" he asked snidely. He held up his phone showing the text message that read only, 'We need to talk. Come home now.'

"Were you ever going to tell me that we're not really married?" she demanded.

"What?" Christopher asked, stunned.

"Don't try to play dumb, Christopher," Lorelai said through gritted teeth. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and shivered in the doorway.

Christopher blinked rapidly, trying to push down the whiskey and beer rising in his throat, his mind racing as he tried to focus through the pain in his ribs. _That's gonna bruise_, he thought nonsensically as he slipped a hand into his coat and rubbed his side. "Are you going to let me come in?" he asked, stalling for time.

_Bathroom tiles, paint chips, the skinny tiny molding in the closet,_ the danced through her head. "Come in? Do you really live here?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lorelai shrugged and said, "You wouldn't be the first guy to move a bunch of stuff into my house, but not really, you know, live here. We're not really married, maybe you just felt like playing house."

"I'm not him," Christopher said as he clenched his aching jaw.

"You're not? I didn't think you were, but then I found out you were hiding something big from me, so now I'm thinking you're just like Luke!" she spat.

"Stop! Just stop!" Christopher said as he held up one hand. He glanced across the yard as Babette's porch light came on. "Just let me come in," he said in a low voice.

Lorelai spared a glance at Babette's house and then stepped back, allowing him room to pass. Christopher stepped inside and tried to hide his wince as he shrugged out of his coat. He draped it over the hall tree and then turned to face Lorelai as she leaned up against the closed door. "I was going to tell you," he said at last.

"On our silver wedding anniversary?" Lorelai asked snidely. "Wait! Is it really an anniversary if it's not a marriage?"

"It is! It is a marriage!" Chris boomed.

"Not according to the laws of the Republic of France!"

"Lorelai, when I said 'I do', I meant that I do!"

Lorelai reared back when she smelled the alcohol on his breath. "How long have you known?" she demanded. When he didn't answer right away, Lorelai sucked in a breath and whispered, "You knew all along."

"No! I didn't, I swear! I thought we were married! You were there; you saw how many Euros I paid that guy!"

"When? How long have you known?"

Chris exhaled as he squeezed his eyes shut and said, "Right around Thanksgiving." He sighed and said, "You asked me not to say anything until we talked to Rory. I told Sherry when I called to talk to Gigi that next week. She told me."

A bitter laugh escaped her lips. "That Sherry, she's a very helpful girl. She said to remind you about the time difference the next time you call." Lorelai clutched at her sides as if trying to physically hold herself together. "I hate November, too many surprises," she murmured to herself.

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lorelai demanded.

"I was going to tell you. I was! It's just, Rory was a little upset, and you went to see him…"

Lorelai held up a hand as she cut him off. "I went to check on April."

"He called and you ran," Christopher said bitterly.

"You said I should go!"

"What was I supposed to say, Lor? I couldn't say, 'No, don't go check on the little girl who may have had her appendix out because I'm afraid you still love her father'? What kind of monster would that have made me?" he shot back.

"So, because I actually laid eyes on Luke Danes for the first time in, like, months, you couldn't tell me that we weren't married?" she asked derisively. Lorelai pushed away from the door and brushed past him as she walked into the living room.

"No! But, everything got so weird," Christopher insisted as he followed her.

"What? What got weird?"

"You and the town and the stupid bridge thing, and you not wanting to be seen with me!" he shouted. "God forbid I go to the dry cleaners with my wife, the local diner guy may see us!"

"I'm not your wife!"

"And you're happy about that, aren't you? I bet you're relieved!" he accused.

"You're drunk!"

"Not nearly drunk enough!" Christopher shook his head and lowered his voice. "I can still see you slipping away again. There's not enough booze in the world to keep me from seeing that."

Lorelai's eyes widened as she gaped at him. "Chris," she said softly.

Christopher sank down onto the couch and scrubbed his hands over his face. He lowered his hands and rubbed his palms together, trying to calm himself. "It's all I ever wanted, Lor, you and me. For over twenty years, all I've wanted was to marry you," he said in a hoarse voice. He laughed softly and said, "I couldn't even do that right."

Lorelai shoulders slumped as she watched him hang his head dejectedly. "Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you hide it from me?" she asked.

Christopher closed his eyes and pressed his lips together as he turned his head away from her probing gaze. "What if you said no?" he asked quietly.

"I said yes. I said 'I do'," Lorelai reminded him.

"You did in France. Do you still in Stars Hollow?" he asked as he looked up at her helplessly. "I thought I could fix it. A new house, a new town, the wedding thing, something," he said with a wave of his hand. "I called your mom and told her I wanted a minister; that I thought it would be cool, you know, for them and my mom. Rory and Gigi," he added as an afterthought. "I thought that maybe if we could just get you away from here, I could explain it," he trailed off.

"But you hid it from me," Lorelai persisted.

"You think I can't see it, Lor? Do you really think that I don't know that I'm not welcome here?" he asked, incredulous.

"Chris…"

Christopher pushed himself up off of the couch, getting angry again. "I see them, Lorelai! Sizing me up, comparing me to him! And the really funny thing is, I'm the one coming up short!" he said as he jabbed a finger into his chest. "That guy is the one they all wanted you to marry! That guy is the one that I have to tiptoe around! That guy!"

"I married you!"

"They think you were wrong, and hey, guess what? You were! You didn't marry me! Lucky break, huh?" Christopher's eyes blazed as he sneered, "I bet there will be a banner headline on the _Stars Hollow Gazette_!"

"This is Luke's town. He was born here, raised here, it's only natural that they feel protective of him," Lorelai argued.

"I'm your husband, but you won't leave! You won't even think about it!"

"This is our home, Christopher. My home, and Rory's home," she tried to explain.

"Rory doesn't live here anymore!"

"Says you!" she shouted. "You're sure ready to kick her out, aren't you?"

"You won't let me buy a bigger house! I have to have a place for Gigi!"

"Yes, Gigi, your great do-over." Lorelai said caustically.

"Yes, mine! Rory is yours. You made damn sure of that!"

"No, you did! Those were your choices, Christopher!"

"And I can never fix that, can I? For the rest of my life, no matter what I do, all you'll ever think is that I was a crappy father to Rory. That's why you won't have a baby with me," he accused. "But not your precious Luke! I saw you looking at him when you were holding that baby. It makes my head spin to think how fast you woulda had one with him!"

Lorelai inhaled sharply as the pain of the truth sliced through her. They stared at each other, wide-eyed and breathless as the words hung between them. Lorelai swallowed thickly and said, "I'm going to bed. I suggest you sleep somewhere else. There's a nice trundle bed in Rory's room," she added as she hurried for the stairs.

"Lor," Chris called after her, his voice soft and filled with regret. Lorelai stopped on the landing, her hand curling around the banister as she stood stone still. "I love you, Lor," he said, his voice cracking. "I love you so much. I've loved you for so long that I don't know how to do anything else." Christopher saw her shoulders slump and took a shallow breath, the pain in his ribs eclipsed by the ache in his heart. "I've tried not to. I don't know how to not love you. I just want to be with you. Forever," he said softly. "Would that be so bad?"

Without turning around, Lorelai tightened her grip on the banister as she said, "We'll talk tomorrow, when things are, uh, a little calmer."

"I'll be here," he said quietly.

****

After a fitful night of wispy dreams filled with glimpses of pink plaid snowsuits, Lorelai finally drifted into a deep sleep at nearly dawn, only to be awakened by the sound of knuckles rapping on the front door. She sat up; frowning down at the clothes she had slept in, and rolled off of the bed. She grabbed her fluffy blue robe for a little extra warmth and shrugged into it as she stumbled down the stairs, intent on making the constant pounding cease and desist. As she stepped off of the bottom stair, she heard Christopher groan, 'Make it stop,' from Rory's room. Paul Anka jumped up from his spot near Rory's door as Lorelai hurriedly pulled it closed and then shuffled back to the front door.

"It's only seven-thirty," she complained as she pulled the door open, her eyes finally opening when she spotted her mother on the porch. "Mom. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be supervising an army of maids as they pack the Louis Vuitton?"

"I wanted to speak to you before our flight left," Emily said calmly.

"Ugh. Is this about the party?" Lorelai groaned as she pushed her hair back behind her ears. "Because I've had a really long night, and I don't want to talk about the party," she warned as she crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly.

"It's not about the party. I've come to talk to you about your marriage," Emily announced.

"My marriage?"

"Yes, I'm concerned. I don't like what I'm seeing, and I've come to offer you some friendly advice," Emily said succinctly.

"Mom, I really don't want your advice," Lorelai said quickly.

Emily pursed her lips for a moment and then said, "Well, then consider it unfriendly advice."

"Okay," Lorelai said cautiously.

"Christopher is immature, often foolish, and a little lacking in common sense. He doesn't always make the best choices," Emily said bluntly.

"Like with me? Are you saying he chose wrongly in choosing me?"

"I'm saying he's your husband, Lorelai, for better or for worse," Emily replied, watching her daughter's reaction carefully. When Lorelai remained impassive, she shrugged slightly and said, "I like Christopher."

"Okay."

Emily cocked her head slightly and said, "I think he's good for you." She took a deep breath and added, "But it's not going to be perfect. He's not perfect, and god knows you're not perfect. But marriage is not about always being happy, and often it's about not being happy at all," she observed. "It's about compromise, which is not your strong suit. Marriage is about swallowing your pride sometimes, about doing what he wants. It's not about winning an argument, which may make you sad, because that's what you love. But I don't want to see you ruin this relationship. Marriage is serious business, Lorelai, and if you don't take this very seriously, then this whole thing could fall apart faster than you could possibly imagine. And he'll be gone, and you'll be alone again," she warned direly. "A ring is no guarantee," she said in a tone thick with hidden meaning.

Lorelai stared at her mother long and hard, trying to wrap her head around what Emily was trying to say. She nodded slowly and Emily returned her acknowledgement with a brisk nod of her own. "Sorry for waking you," she apologized as she turned to leave.

"Safe trip," Lorelai said softly as she watched Emily walk back to the Mercedes parked behind Christopher's Volvo.

She closed the front door and shivered as she wandered back to the steps. She reached tiredly for the rail and caught sight of the thick gold band on her finger. Lorelai raised her hand, staring at the ring intently until her vision blurred and the band morphed into a sparkling diamond in an antique setting. "No, it's no guarantee," Lorelai whispered as she blinked the image from her mind and slowly began to climb the stairs.

She draped the robe over the foot of the bed, carefully avoiding contact with what was now Christopher's side of the bed as she climbed back under the fluffy duvet and pulled it up to her chin. Clasping her hands under the covers, Lorelai toyed with the band Christopher had placed on her finger less than a month before. She pulled it off, curling it into her palm as her fingertips massaged the indentation the ring left behind.

_A ring is no guarantee. He'll be gone, and you'll be alone again._ Emily's words sent a chill down her spine. Lorelai inched her foot over to the other side of the bed, cautiously exploring the cool crisp sheets with her toes and testing her own mettle. She quickly pulled her foot back; tucking it under her other leg to warm it as tears filled her eyes. _I can't do it again,_ she thought brokenly_. I can't do this again. I don't want to pack boxes of razors, soap on a rope and spatulas. Why is there so little of me left when they leave?_ she wondered. _It's not that I can't be alone, it's just that I don't want to,_ she justified. _I want someone to find the body; call the police, get me to the morgue. Luke was supposed to be there to get me to the morgue._

Lorelai rolled over onto her side, blinking slowly at the pale winter sunlight that seeped into the room. _Their room._ _But which they was she supposed to be a part of? Which they do I want to be? Do I even have a choice? No. There's no choice. _Lorelai ran one hand over the pale pink striped sheets she had bought just after the break up with Luke. _He'd never slept on these. Why do I still see him here? There's nothing left of him here, why can't he just leave? _She leaned over, pressing her nose to the other pillow and breathing in deeply. _Acqua di Gio_, she thought with a nod. _The scent was completely different, the man was completely different. And the woman? Well, we don't need to think too hard about that,_ Lorelai told herself as she flopped onto her back and draped her forearm over her brow.

_He says he wants me. He says he loves me. How can he love me when I don't even know me? A ring is no guarantee. _Lorelai opened her hand and stared at the simple gold band that rested there, warmed by the heat of her palm. _Lorelai Gilmore, that's who I am. Not Lorelai Hayden and never to be Lorelai Danes. I'm just Lorelai Gilmore. _She turned and looked at the clock on the nightstand and then chewed the inside of her cheek as she eyed the telephone. She lifted the receiver and dialed quickly, picking at a loose thread on the duvet as the phone rang in her ear.

"Hello?"

"Did I wake you up?" Lorelai asked anxiously.

"No, actually, I'm up and about to head out," Rory told her.

"Last final?"

"Yep."

"What time is your flight?"

"Six-ten," Rory said as she tossed her cell charger into her laptop bag. "I'm catching the shuttle to JFK from here."

"You have everything you need? Plenty of good old American greenbacks?" Lorelai asked as she worried the thread with her fingernail.

"I'm packed and ready to go."

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?"

"Mom, I'll be fine. I don't want you to have to hassle with that," Rory said quickly.

"And Logan? Have you talked to him already?"

Rory smiled and said, "Yes, he's picking me up at the security checkpoint."

"You're going to have a wonderful time," Lorelai said wistfully.

"I'll miss you," Rory said with a small smile. "I've never been away for Christmas."

"I know."

"Dad will keep you entertained, I'm sure."

Lorelai paused for a moment, dying to tell Rory what she had discovered, desperate for a little perspective. "Yeah, uh, sure," she said hesitantly. "Um, about your dad…"

"Oh, Mom, I have to go. I have twenty minutes to get there and get myself ready," Rory said as she glanced at the clock and slung her bag over her shoulder.

"Oh, yeah, go," Lorelai said quickly. "Subject?"

"First Amendment and the Literature of Rights," Rory said as she tucked the phone under her chin and began to unlock the multiple deadbolts on the apartment door.

"Well, remember, you've gotta fight for your right to par-tay," Lorelai sang with a sad smile.

"That's number one on my list," Rory assured her.

"Call me when you leave for the airport?"

"I will."

"Bye, Sweets, good luck."

"I'll call you later," Rory promised before pressing the 'end' button.

Lorelai ran her thumb over the keys, absently tracing the pattern of the diner's phone number. _I'm not married,_ she tested the words out in her head. _What would Rory say when she found out? Her mother? How would Luke find out? Should I tell him? No,_ she quickly dismissed the thought. _Why would he care? He cares. You know he cares. Not enough, _she told herself firmly as she placed the phone back on its cradle and fell back against the pillows. _It doesn't matter if I'm married or not, he doesn't want me. He never wanted to get married. I'm the one who wanted to get married._ "It doesn't matter," she whispered to the ceiling.

She opened her fist again and gently lifted the ring that Christopher had given to her from her palm. _Christopher wants me. Christopher married me, or at least,_ _he thought he did._ _Christopher wants to marry me. For real, this time._

****

"Hey," Lorelai said softly as she shuffled into the kitchen later that morning.

Christopher looked up from the cup of coffee he had been studying intently. "Hi."

"How's your head?" she asked as she pulled a mug from the cabinet.

"It's still there."

"I noticed that," she said as she poured the fragrant brew into the mug.

"Lorelai, I don't know what to say," he started softly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I panicked. I freaked," he admitted.

"Yeah, uh, I know that feeling," she said as she carried her mug to the table.

As she sat down, Christopher noticed that she still wore her wedding band. He started to reach for her hand, and then pulled away, uncertain if his touch would be welcomed. He swallowed hard and said, "Last night, we both said some things…"

"Yeah, that was bad."

"I'm trying, Lor. I'm trying so hard," he rasped.

"I know you are."

"And you know what? It doesn't matter. I know I'm not your first choice, I get that, but it doesn't matter to me. I just, I want this so much," he said sincerely. "I love you. I want to marry you," he said as he looked into her tired blue eyes. "I'd marry you a thousand times over."

Lorelai nodded slowly, blinking back the tears that burned in her eyes. She reached across the table, offering him her hand. Christopher took it in his, rubbing his thumb over the smooth gold band on her ring finger. "Ask me," she whispered. "Ask me one more time."

Christopher slid out of his chair, his grasp warm and sure on her fingers as he lowered himself to one knee. "Lorelai Gilmore, will you marry me?" he asked in a hoarse whisper.

Lorelai nodded slightly and said, "January 27th."

"Really?"

Lorelai shrugged, a ghost of a smile curving her lips. "Can't waste a perfectly good wedding party."

Christopher pressed his lips to her knuckle just above her ring. "I'll do whatever you want."

"We need to talk," she said quietly.

"Yeah."

"There were some things brought up last night," she said with a grimace.

"I know."

"And Chris?"

"Yeah?" he asked as he looked up at her. "I don't want everyone to know."

"Know what?"

"About France, the legal thing, can't we just go get a license and do the vows at the party?" she asked.

"We can go to the courthouse tomorrow if that's what you want, blow off the damn party," he said quickly.

Lorelai shook her head and said, "No. If we're going to do this, we're going to do this for real. In front of Rory and Gigi, your mother, my parents, all of it," she said with a decisive nod. "But we'll know that this time, we're really doing it."

"Then that's what we'll do." Christopher slowly pushed himself up, wincing as at the stabbing pain in his ribs.

Lorelai smiled sympathetically and asked, "To big for the trundle bed, tough guy?"

Christopher smiled wanly and tried to keep from rubbing his bruised and battered body. "Yeah, something like that."


	3. More Secrets, More Stuff

**A/N: I took a few liberties and added a few things in. Sometimes they need a little reminder of things they can't forget. Thank you for all of your feedback, and for sticking with me. It won't be easy, but we'll get there. I appreciate you. **

**More Secrets, More Stuff**

The lights from the street below cast a golden glow on the ceiling above his bed. Luke rolled from his side to his back, covering his eyes with is arm as he tried to empty his head enough to sleep. After another five minutes, he knew he was losing the battle. With a sigh, he stretched his arm toward the bedside lamp and switched it on. Blinking rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and shivered when his feet hit the cold floor. He immediately transferred them to the rag rug he had long ago placed beside the bed after Lorelai had awakened him with a yelp of, 'Frozen piggies! Frozen piggies! You need carpet!'

He rubbed one foot on top of the other as the words _shag, Berber, sculpted pile, something! _flitted fleetingly through his head. He purposely didn't let himself think about how he had wrapped his arms around her and dragged her back down onto the bed, covering her with his body and rubbing his feet against hers to warm them. It was bad enough that he couldn't hear a cricket chirp without thinking about her calling him 'my cricket' for days afterward. He looked down at his feet and immediately stopped rubbing them together. Instead, he pushed himself up, hurried to the dresser and pulled out a clean pair of socks. He hopped from foot to foot as he yanked them on, and then ran his hand tiredly through his hair as he shuffled toward the refrigerator.

Luke pulled the pitcher of water from the shelf and grabbed a glass from the rack next to the sink. He slopped the chilled water into the glass and then chugged it down in three large gulps. _I like to watch you hydrate. _He lowered the glass and glanced back at the bed as if she had just spoken. With a sigh he closed his eyes and wondered if it was worse seeing her there or seeing it empty. For a moment, he wished he had the anger back. The anger made it so much easier to live without her. The anger made it so much easier to get out of bed each day. The anger made it so much easier to fall asleep at night, cocooned in indignation, nestled into the cozy comfort of being the man wronged. A heart filled with anger and pain seemed infinitely easier than one that was completely desolate.

Luke rubbed his hand absently over his chest, wishing he had a little of that fire to comfort him, but it was gone. The last embers of it stomped out in the town square. The coals flared brightly enough that he took an inordinate amount of satisfaction in plowing his fist into Christopher a few times, and then cooled down in that moment that he finally accepted that it didn't matter. It made no difference if his punches landed or not. _Christopher had won, and he had lost, and it was all over now. Forever._ But at that moment, alone in his still apartment, he missed the anger because acceptance didn't keep him warm at night.

It had been a particularly crappy couple of weeks, but he had made it through. Luke closed his eyes and thought, _December 28__th__. Just a few more days and New Year's will be behind us and everything will be better. _He never thought that he'd be glad to have Liz and TJ nearby, but he was. He spent Christmas Eve at their house, ignoring TJ's broad hints for help in renovating their disaster of a house while he played with Doula. He knew it was probably wrong that he couldn't look at his niece without seeing her in Lorelai's arms. He knew that he had to put the memory of Lorelai's enchanted smile from his mind. He knew he had to swallow the bitterness that overwhelmed the sweet of that bittersweet moment as he watched her walk away with him. _Her husband. Man it felt good to hit him again._ Luke flexed his fingers, remembering the satisfying jolt of pain that traveled up his arms when he connected with bone.

But he knew that fight was a mistake. Possibly a huge mistake. The minute he stumbled away from the square he realized that he had possibly just jeopardized the only chance he had to hang onto April. Luke put the glass in the sink and walked over to the windows. Staring down at the empty square, his stomach clenched as he thought about those days following the fight. The bruises and aches meant nothing to him. He figured he deserved them for being so stupid. He waited, expecting to hear from his lawyer any minute, telling him that he was unfit for custody. He was sure that the schmuck wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut. Each time the bells rang, he expected to see Lorelai flying through the door in a rush to give him the verbal thrashing that her husband couldn't manage with his fists.

But other than the earful he got from Taylor about the rampant vandalism in town, nothing was ever mentioned. The idiotic Christmas display was put to rights, and the procession went on as scheduled. Luke watched from the safety of the diner as the townsfolk passed by, thinking about her, wondering if she remembered the blue ball cap he had worn every day since she first put it on his head. Wondering if she knew he couldn't stand to see it, but couldn't bear to throw it away. Trying to tell himself that he wasn't looking for her in particular, he scanned the crowd, a frown creasing his brow as he realized that she wasn't there. Neither was Rory.

As a matter of fact, he hadn't seen a glimpse of either of them in the days surrounding Christmas. He told himself that it was better that way. He told himself that he needed to move on. He needed to forget the memories of the Christmases he had shared with them, the ones where he was a part of it all. The sea of wrapping paper in the living room, the pleas for special Christmas breakfasts, the lazy afternoons spent watching old holiday movies with Lorelai's feet in his lap, their off-key singing as they spun in circles helping Julie Andrews sing her praises to the hills, and the soft sweet kisses as they sat snuggled on the couch sipping tea and cocoa and staring at the lights on the tree they 'forced' him to help decorate. No, it was better that they weren't around. He was glad that he didn't have to see them. He was pretty sure that he wouldn't have been able to stand it.

Luke opened the diner on Christmas Day, offering dinner for those who, like him, had nowhere else to go. That night, he sat alone in his apartment, flipping from channel to channel on his ancient television; patently ignoring the annual airing of The Sound of Music for fear that it would make him weep like a baby. He took a sip of his beer and looked longingly at the telephone, praying that it would ring. When ten o'clock came and went without a call, he pushed himself out of the chair and fell into the bed without even brushing his teeth. He buried his head under the pillow, holding it there to drown out the silence of the empty apartment. He focused on breathing. _In, out, in out, tomorrow it will all be over. Tomorrow it'll be better. _

He almost bought it. He had almost convinced himself when the phone rang, causing him to jump. Luke sprang from the bed and lunged for it. A relieved smile creased his face as he said, "Hey. Merry Christmas to you. Did you have a good one? Yeah, I know, but most people don't celebrate the Winter Solstice, so it's nice that you humor them. No, no, it was good. I went to Liz and TJ's last night. Doula is getting bigger already. I can't wait for you to see her." He dropped down into the chair as he listened to April talk a mile a minute, scratching his chest absently and noticing for the first time that he hadn't even undressed. His voice was warm and deep, his smile contented as he nodded and said, "Yeah, you too, it's late. Um, tell your mom I said Merry Christmas and thanks for letting you call. I'll talk to you soon." He had hung up the phone and walked into the bathroom to start getting ready for bed, feeling a little more human than he had just minutes before.

_It's almost New Year's, it's almost over,_ he reminded himself as he stared blankly at a lamppost. On January 8th, they go to court. On _January 8__th__, I'll get to have my say. Will I be able to say it? Will I be able to convince them? What do I do if I can't?_ he wondered. Luke chewed his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth as he thought about what he needed to do the next day. _Will I be able to say it? Will I be able to convince her? What do I do if I can't? What if the words just won't come out? What if she says no?_ Luke shook his head slightly. _She won't say no, you know that. No, she won't. _Luke knew that it wasn't going to be easy to ask Lorelai to do this for him. Other than their brief meetings at the hospital and outside of Doose's; they hadn't spoken since that night in the grocery store. That night when she tossed his bitter, ugly words back at him. That night when he realized that maybe he had broken her heart as much as she had broken his.

Luke didn't let himself think about that night. He couldn't admit that he had betrayed her as she had betrayed him. It was too hard to accept his part in what happened. It was almost impossible for him to admit that he had driven her there, to that point, to the grand gesture that finished them forever. Almost, but there was a part of him that knew it. He just had to keep that part tightly under wraps. No, it was easier to be the injured party. It was easier to take blow after blow, punch after punch and roll with it. At least that way, he was still moving.

He turned from the windows, and peered around the dimly lit apartment. The envelope sat on the kitchen table, addressed, stamped and ready to go. _What do I say? Please, I know I screwed up. I know that my inability to deal with having April in my life drove us apart, but I need you to help me keep April in my life? I need this because I've already lost you. And Rory. I can't lose April too. _The one thing he knew for sure was that the words he should say would never come out, no matter how badly he wanted them to. They never did. He never said all of the things he should have said. He never told her how scared he was when April appeared in his life. He never admitted that he felt like a failure. He never told her how threatened he was by her, how he feared he'd never measure up, that he was petrified that she would change her mind. Kids would have been so good. He didn't tell her enough. All the things he wanted with her. How much he needed her. How much he loved her. It was all too big for words, and it was all too galling to realize that words could have made all of the difference.

Luke walked over to the table and pressed the tip of his index finger to the corner of the envelope, turning it so that he could check the address for the fifth time. He sat down in the chair and picked it up, pressing his lips together as he stared at it. No, he couldn't trust himself to say what he needed to say. _He had to have a backup plan,_ he decided. _Just in case it all came out in moron. _Luke spied the order pad and pencil he had pulled from his shirt pocket earlier that night and reached for them, pulling them toward him as he set the envelope aside, and tried to find the right words for what they were now.

****

It was much easier to keep a secret when you could pretend that it wasn't a secret because everyone already thought it was true. It was even easier when there was no one around to hide it from. Although she missed her terribly, Lorelai was actually relieved that Rory was in London over Christmas. She wasn't sure that she could have hidden it so well in those first few days. She found herself even more grateful that her parents were in Mexico for the holidays because she wasn't sure that she could have dealt with making decisions for the fake wedding that was turning into a real one. No, she needed that time to wrap her head around the impulsive decision that had morphed into a real one. And as the days crept by, all alone in the house with Christopher and his professions of undying love, she managed to convince herself that there was no decision to be made at all, it was already a done deal. She had said 'I do' once, she could do it again.

_At least you got married. At least you had a kid. _Lorelai turned and watched as Rory helped Gigi place an ornament on the tree in the living room. _He had a kid he didn't know about for a dozen years, and I have a marriage that isn't real. Yet. I guess we're getting what we wanted, one way or another._ Lorelai watched as Christopher unpacked ornament after ornament, handing them to the girls and watching as they chose the perfect branch for each one. _If I ever met the right person, there would be a discussion. A short discussion._ _What about the kids? Kids would be easier for me, I hate shopping. Kids would be good._

For two weeks, Lorelai had avoided the town square. For the first time since Rory was eleven, she missed the Christmas procession. She made lists of items they needed from Doose's and then asked Christopher to pick them up while she was at work, claiming to be too swamped to get away. She couldn't trust herself not to say the words. Every night they came out in her dreams. The bells jingling madly as she burst through the door and said, 'I'm not married.' Luke's arms around her, gathering her to him and never letting her go. No, she couldn't trust herself not to say the words. It was easier with everyone else, but she didn't know that she could hold them back if she came face to face with him. So, she made sure that she didn't.

She went to work, she came home. They went out to eat in Woodbury. They saw movies in Hartford. She shopped at the mall or the big box stores she knew that he would never step foot into. At night, she huddled up on the couch she had picked out with him, tucked her toes under her husband's leg, and focused intently on the television knowing that no matter how hard she wished for it, no Christmas miracle could give her what she truly wanted. Lorelai watched as Christopher pulled a blown glass ornament in the shape of a cheeseburger from a wad of tissue. She quickly averted her eyes, knowing the exact shade of the golden glitter that coated the cheese. She felt Rory's eyes boring into her scalp as she busied herself with untangling some garland.

"Only you guys would have ornaments shaped like food," Christopher laughed as he unwrapped a glittering order of glass French fries.

"Oh, well, you know us," Rory said with a nervous laugh as she took the ornaments from her father. She glanced over at Lorelai again and then turned her attention to Gigi as she said, "These are breakable. I'll put them up high where they are safe." Rory stood on her tiptoes, hanging the burger and fries on a high branch at the back of the tree, knowing that she would have to take them down and hide them later.

_Breakable, so breakable,_ Lorelai thought as she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat. She pulled at a knot in the garland and tried to push the memory of Luke unwrapping his ornaments from her mind. _That's the trouble with breaking up in the summer,_ she thought bitterly. _Last Christmas I never dreamed that we were so breakable. _She took a deep breath as she worked the knot free and scolded herself; _Put it up high, out of reach, where it will be safe. Out of reach, where it can't hurt. Put it up, put it up._

"Hey, how's the sparkly stuff coming?" Christopher called to her.

Lorelai pulled the end of the garland free and held the long string up as she inspected it critically. "I've got it all straightened out," she said as she plastered a bright smile on her face and handed it over to Gigi, who danced with excitement. Lorelai ran her hand over the little girl's head as she bent down and said, "You are an excellent tree decorator."

"I know!" Gigi crowed as she spun around, the garland wrapping around her legs. "Daddy! I'm the best dec'rator ever!"

"You are!" Christopher gushed as he stood up and swooped his garland wrapped little girl up into his arms. He turned and smiled brilliantly at Lorelai before kissing Gigi's cheek noisily and setting her back on her feet. "Go to it, kiddo," he said happily as he gave her a swat on the bottom.

"Here, kiddo!" Gigi said as she extended one end of the garland, offering it to Rory.

Lorelai looked up as Rory took the proffered decoration and smiled at her little sister. "We make a pretty good team, don't' we, kiddo?"

"Yeah, kiddo!" Gigi agreed enthusiastically.

"Yeah," Lorelai agreed, her fingers toying nervously with her necklace as she realized that it was true. _They made a pretty good team, and sometimes you have to remember that pretty good is good enough._

****

_Oh my God, he's here. He came here,_ her mind raced as she led Luke into the parlor. _He can't come here; I'm supposed to be safe here. Waaaay up high, out of reach. I don't go there, so he can't just come here. That's the way it's supposed to be!_ Lorelai nodded for him to take a seat on the couch and clasped her hands in her lap to keep from reaching out to touch him, pinch him, something to prove that this was real, that he was here. She kept her mouth clamped shut, afraid that the words that rose in her throat would escape. _I'm not married. _Her wedding band cut into her finger, a sharp reminder that he wasn't hers, she wasn't his, and they were no longer meant to be.

Luke fidgeted nervously as he perched on the edge of the sofa, completely thrown off by being so close to her. _Her perfume is different. Her hair is longer. I don't remember that dress, it must be new. It's all new. She's not mine anymore. _He rubbed his palms together, trying to marshal his thoughts into some order as she waited patiently for him to say what he came to say. With a heavy sigh, Luke decided it was best to just jump.

"Anna wants to move to New Mexico with April."

"New Mexico?" Lorelai breathed as his words sank in.

Luke nodded. "Anna's mother had major surgery, and she's not doing so well. And Anna wants to be near her, which I get. It's just I'd like to see April on some weekends and vacations," he tried to explain.

"Of course."

"But Anna says no. In fact, right now, she's not letting me see April at all, so I have to fight for custody, and I'm going to court," he said in a rush.

Lorelai's eyes widened as she absorbed it all. "Wow."

"Yeah, it's the whole thing. I got to get a lawyer and wear a tie. It's not fun," he added dryly.

"It's good you're doing it, though," she said encouragingly. _Some people never do. Some people never even try,_ the thought popped into her head unbidden.

"Well, I can't not. You know, I can't not do it," Luke tried to explain.

"Right," Lorelai said softly. _No, you would have to do it, you're Luke.  
_

"So, anyway, um, the court date is coming up," he said, his heart hammering in his chest. "And I need a character reference. And Liz wrote one, but my lawyer read it, and he said it was sweet, but it was filled with all these weird childhood anecdotes that I probably don't want to share with anyone, much less a court of law," he added with a soft chuckle. He looked over at her and began to ramble. "And I need another one, and I just don't know who to go to. And I know it's an awful lot to ask. And if it's weird or whatever…"

"Yes."

"I mean, I totally understand," he continued as if he hadn't heard her answer.

"Yes," she said again.

"But if you could, uh..."

"Yes, I'll do it," Lorelai said more firmly, willing her words to break through the tension between them.

Luke looked up, his face softening with relief. "Yeah? Okay." He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the envelope he had addressed the night before. "All right, well, this is my lawyer's address, and you can just mail the letter directly to him."

"Okay," she agreed as she took the envelope from him. She stared at it, knowing it was safer than looking directly at him.

"Yeah, and, look, if you don't mind, if you could do it as soon as possible..." he began apologetically. "The court date's right around the corner."

Lorelai nodded as she continued to study the envelope, trying to refrain from tracing her finger over his careful block print. "Definitely." It was the same print she had seen on post it notes, scraps of paper and order pad tickets for years.

_2 Cheese, 2 rings, 2 cups of slow death._

_Dinner's on me, thanks for your help._

_I'll pick up milk, you're out. – L. _

_You're nuts. Coffee's on. – L. _

_Hey, call the guy about the tile thing if you get a chance. – L. _

_Give me my shirt back and I'll come home early and make fried chicken tonight. – L. _

_April's coming tonight. I'll come by when she leaves. – L._

_I came by, you weren't here. Patty wants me to wear tights. Call me. – L._

Luke rubbed his palm on his jeans as he exhaled loudly. "Thanks. Thank you."

Lorelai dared to glance up at him as she said, "You're welcome."

Luke nodded once, half tempted to grab the envelope from her and take the note he had slipped in there out before she could read it. He stared at the gold band on her finger as he thought hard, picturing the pile of order slips on his table and trying to remember which draft he ended up going with. Unable to come up with a good excuse to take it back from her, he finally stammered. "Yeah. Um, okay, well...I'll just... Thanks," he babbled.

"Sure. I'll get right on it," Lorelai promised.

"Just, send it to here. Okay," he said again, feeling like an idiot. Not knowing what else to say or do, he held out his hand, and Lorelai took it automatically. He gave it a firm shake as he said, "All right. Thanks. Okay," and made a quick escape.

Once he pulled the front door closed behind him, he let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding and pressed his hand to his stomach. Luke gave a short breathy laugh as he looked down at his hand as if it weren't attached to him. He chuckled again and shook his head as he jogged down the steps. "I shook her damn hand," he muttered under his breath as he hurried to his truck. "What a moron."

Lorelai gaped at her right hand as the fingers on her left hand curled into the envelope. _He shook my hand? What am I, his new bread supplier? The restaurant supply guy? He shook my hand?_ she thought, incredulous. _Oh my God, he shook my hand. Like we don't even know each other. Like we weren't planning on having a house and plants and kids together. Like we weren't friends for years before all of that. Like I'm a stranger._

Sookie walked into the parlor wiping her hands on a towel. "You okay, honey?" she asked cautiously.

Lorelai curled her fingers into her palm and lowered her hand to her side. "Huh? I'm fine," she said as she flashed her friend a quick smile.

"Michel said Luke was here," Sookie said with a worried frown.

"He was. He, uh, asked me if I would write a character reference for him," Lorelai said as she held up the envelope.

"Character reference?"

Lorelai nodded and said, "Anna wants to move to New Mexico. Luke has to sue for partial custody because Anna won't let him see her."

"Oh God, that sucks. Poor Luke," Sookie said as she pressed the dish towel to her heart.

"Yeah, so uh, he asked me if I would help."

"You are, aren't you?" Sookie asked hesitantly.

"What? Yes, of course I am," Lorelai said quickly. "Of course I'll help him."

Sookie nodded and said, "Good. You know he wouldn't have asked you unless he really needed to."

"No, he wouldn't. Luke doesn't ask for help," Lorelai said softly, hoping the bitterness she tasted in her mouth didn't flavor her words.

****

_Poor sympathetic Sookie, thinking that I'm reliving it all. __You're having to dig up all those feelings for him. That can't be fun. You must be feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed,_ Lorelai thought with a snort. _Oh if only you knew, Sook. If only you knew. I'm underwhelmed because I don't even have the guts to work myself up to overwhelmed. _Lorelai rolled over onto her stomach and stared down at the blank page. _Write what you feel._ Lorelai sighed heavily. _Poor sweet, naive girl,_ Lorelai thought, shaking her head as she recalled Rory's well-intentioned advice. _I can't write what I feel. If I write what I feel, then I'll have to feel what I feel, and I can't do that. Not now. Not ever. And no, I haven't told your dad. And yes, that is kind of a lie, but when you're living a much bigger lie, that little omission doesn't seem so bad. _"I'm sure he'd understand," Lorelai muttered under her breath.

Lorelai glared at the page in front of her. _He's just going to have to settle for being a stand up guy, because I can't take it any further than a handshake. _She pressed the end of her pen against her lip, trying to work the stand up guy into a decent sentence. Christopher came bounding up the stair babbling about the lights, and Lorelai quickly shoved the pad over the edge of the bed even though the page was blank. She put him off by swiping his phrase about Santa's secret stuff, a Maserati and masking tape as she pushed him from the room.

As soon as he was gone, she dove for the bed, plucked the pad from the floor and shoved it into her bag as she called out to Rory that it was time to go shopping. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself as she slung her bag over her shoulder and hurried from the room. She paused in the hallway and leaned against the wall as she thought, _Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't. I just can't take that chance._

****

Bing Crosby sang of home as it all poured out of her, flowing from her fingertips and onto the keys. The hum of her old electric typewriter did the trick, effectively blocking out the muffled sounds of the cookie decorating taking place below. She told him that she had some invoices to type up for the inn, and Christopher, being Christopher, bought it. Rory, on the other hand, caught her mother's eye and nodded slightly, telling her to do what she needed to do. So that's what she did. She sat up there in the room with the skinny tiny molding in the closet and the wallpaper that wasn't lavender and finally let herself think about all of the things Luke had been to them. She steered carefully away from their relationship, picking and choosing moments from their earlier friendship, focusing mainly on Luke's impact on Rory. And, she had to admit, it was far greater than Christopher's had been.

He had always been there for her, for them, long before the danced, long before he kissed her on the porch of the Dragonfly and turned her world upside down. She pressed her lips together, biting down on them as she struggled to keep the rest bottled up deep inside of her. She stared at the page, frowning as to think of a way to wrap the mess they had made up with a nice neat bow and make it presentable to a judge. _You go back to being Lorelai Gilmore. I'll go back to being the guy in the diner who pours your coffee._ Lorelai felt a fresh rush of tears clogging her throat, cutting off her air. _As if we could ever do that_, she thought as she blinked back those treacherous tears. _Don't you know that we can never just be that?_ _I don't have very many people in my life who are in my life permanently, forever. They will always be there for me. I will always be there for them, you know? There's Rory, and Sookie, and this town and you. I mean, at least I think I've got... You do._

Her fingers hovered over the keys as the machine hummed loudly. Haltingly, she pecked out the next few letters, picking up speed as the sentence took shape all on its own. 'Once Luke Danes is in your life, he is in your life forever. I know from personal experience what an amazing gift that is, and not to allow him access to his daughter would be to seriously deprive her of all this man has to offer, and he offers so much. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Lorelai Gilmore.'

She pulled the page from the typewriter, turned it off and folded the letter carefully into thirds. When she opened the flap of the envelope, she saw a pale blue slip of paper folded inside. Lorelai pulled it from the envelope and opened it, biting her lip as she saw that it was a page torn from his order pad. Just like the dozens she had thrown into a shoebox and tossed into a larger cardboard box to be hauled away. She scanned that same careful print that had graced the front of the envelope she held.

_Lorelai, _

_You know that I'm not very good at getting the right words out when it really counts. Tomorrow I have to ask you to do something for me. Something big. I know I have no right to ask you to do this, but I don't know where else to turn. I know that what happened between us doesn't really matter anymore. I'm just hoping that the fact that we were once good friends still matters a little. I need you to do this for me. I need your help. Please, can we just set all of that aside? Will you help me? I can't lose April too._

_Your friend, I hope,_

_Luke_

Lorelai folded the order slip, slid the letter into the envelope and sealed the flap. She stood up and carried the note and the envelope with her as she left the room. The serious sounds of intensive cookie decorating filtered from the kitchen as she pulled her wallet from her purse, folded the order slip into a tiny rectangle and tucked it into a hidden compartment in her wallet as if it were her own personal horoscope torn from the paper by a crazy woman suffering caffeine withdrawal. She tucked the envelope and wallet into her purse and reached for her coat. As she buttoned it, she poked her head into the kitchen and said, "Hey."

Christopher smiled as he looked up. "Hey. We're making some cookies by scratching."

Lorelai's smile was weak. "Ha, that sounds appetizing. I'm gonna run out for a sec. I'll be right back."

Rory turned to look at her and said, "Okay hurry back _Christmas in July_ screening in thirty minutes."

"Thought we'd start a new tradition," Christopher added with a nod.

"Sounds good," Lorelai murmured as she turned to leave, her mind a million miles away from the cozy family scene in front of her.

As she turned and walked out of the house, Bing Crosby sang in a continuous loop in her head. _I'll be home for Christmas, you can plan on me._ She made her way toward the square, careful not to look up at the diner, focusing solely on the mailbox on the corner. _Please have snow, and mistletoe, and present on the tree… _Lorelai looked up as she opened the mailbox. Big fat flakes of snow fell from the sky, tickling her nose and teasing her eyelashes. _Hello, old friend,_ she thought, a small smile curving her lips as she dropped the letter into the box. She tipped her head back and watched the flakes drift lazily to the ground. _Good things happen when it snows._

With a soft sigh, Lorelai turned and began to walk home. She looked up and saw the lights on in the old Twickham house. _I bought a house, Twickham House. I bought it for us, I don't have it any more, I could probably get it back, but I just thought you should know that I bought it. For the kids that we don't have to have. It's a big house and we don't have to fill it up with kids, we could get furniture, you know, go shopping for a couch or get some end tables. I hate shopping for furniture. For me kids are easier._

_Christmas Eve will find me where the love light gleams._ Lorelai hesitated for a moment, crossed her arms over her chest and ducked her head as she hurried toward the Crap Shack singing under her breath, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams."


	4. Cause for Concern

**A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you. **

**Cause for Concern**

"Anyway, the weather was glorious the whole time that we were there. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to escape these awful New England winters for a little while. It completely rejuvenates you," Emily said as she cradled her martini glass.

"Sounds like you had a great time, Emily." Christopher turned to Lorelai and said, "Hey, maybe we should take a little trip. Sort of a belated honeymoon."

"You think we should follow a trip to France with a jaunt to Mexico?" Lorelai asked with a smirk. She caught her mother staring at her pointedly, and quickly added, "Sounds nice, Hon, but I don't know if I can get away from the inn right now."

"Sun, sand, surf. Come on, Lor, it would be great. I can ply you with margaritas while the mariachis serenade you," Christopher cajoled.

"I'll think about it," Lorelai said as she lifted her glass and took a healthy slug of her own martini.

"So, Grandpa, are you excited?" Rory asked.

"I am," Richard replied as he sat forward in his chair. "You had best be prepared, young lady," he said sternly.

"My pencils are sharpened and I await the pearls of your wisdom," Rory said with a warm smile.

"I think it's wonderful that Rory will be in your lecture," Emily said with a proud smile.

"I do too," Richard agreed. "I hope you bumped something really important from your schedule to sneak me in."

"Well, I was looking forward to that basket weaving class, but I can always pick it up in a masters program, I suppose," Rory teased.

"Gee, I wonder what grade Professor Gilmore will give Rory," Lorelai wondered in a high girly voice.

"I'm sure it will be excellent, but Rory will earn her grade, just as she always has," Richard said primly.

"I have some apples at home. Polish one up to take to The Teach on Tuesday," Lorelai murmured to Rory.

"I will," Rory said with a sage nod.

"Dinner is served," the maid announced from the doorway.

"Thank you, Bridget," Emily said as she set her empty martini glass aside. "Shall we?"

"We shall!" Lorelai said as she stood up.

"You're in for a treat tonight," Emily said with a pleased smile as she led them into the dining room.

"Your meals are always a treat, Emily," Christopher replied with an ingratiating smile.

"Suck up," Lorelai whispered to Rory.

"What are we having, Grandma?" Rory asked as Richard seated Emily and then moved to hold Rory's chair.

"Quail Mazatlan," Emily announced with a proud smile.

"Sounds exotic," Rory said with a nod.

"Interesting," Christopher agreed.

"Dangerous," Lorelai muttered as Chris seated her.

As the salad course was served, Lorelai noticed Emily watching her every interaction with Christopher carefully. She took a deep breath and decided to jump into the deep end. "So, Mom, while you were gone I checked in with Randall. I think we have everything running smoothly as far as the, uh, party is concerned."

"Oh?" Emily asked mildly. Her fork hovered over her salad plate as she fixed a shrewd gaze on her daughter.

"Um, yeah. The centerpieces are done, and the rest of the flowers," Lorelai said, suddenly nervous under her mother's intense scrutiny. "We decided on the music," she added with an overly bright smile.

"Yes?" Emily prompted. She placed her fork gently on the edge of her plate and folded her hands as she leaned in, eying Lorelai questioningly.

Lorelai nodded and glanced over at Christopher and said, "We, uh, compromised. We're going with the swing band."

"Ah, good choice," Richard said approvingly. "That should be festive."

"We thought so," Lorelai said quickly. "He also said that the responses were coming in, and that we should have a nice turn-out."

"Yes, I spoke to Randall this morning," Emily confirmed.

"Oh, so you know all this," Lorelai said with a brief laugh. "Well, good."

"Yes, it is good to see you finally taking an interest in a party being thrown in your honor," Emily said with a small smile.

When Lorelai opened her mouth to speak, Christopher covered her hand with his to stop her. "Yes, we've been working on it. I called Judge Waldon's office myself and made sure that all of the arrangements for the vow ceremony are in place," he assured her.

"Oh, so you decided to go ahead with the ceremony?"

"Well, everyone seemed to want one," Lorelai hedged.

"I see. Well, it seems you have it well in hand," Emily answered as she locked eyes with her son-in-law. She lowered her gaze to her salad plate and picked up her fork once more. "Did you ask if you needed the paperwork from your wedding in France?" she asked casually.

"Yes, it's all arranged. Everything will go off without a hitch," Christopher replied easily.

"Or with one, so to speak," Richard said, chuckling at his own joke.

"Oh, Grandpa," Rory groaned, flashing Richard an affectionate smile.

****

The weekend flew by in a flurry of activity. Rory returned to Yale on Saturday to prepare for the new semester to start, and Lorelai and Christopher spent Sunday evening working on the seating arrangements for the party. On Monday morning, Lorelai was awakened by an insistent knock on the front door. Sookie bustled in with a basket of muffin tops and a tray of to-go cups of coffee, trying to pretend that it was normal to appear on her best friend's doorstep at the crack of dawn on their day off. Of course, her bribery paid off. Lorelai blamed her weakened defenses on that first sip of magical coffee. She turned a blind eye as Christopher petulantly pushed his cup away once he learned it was from Luke's and hurried to shower and get ready for the day.

_So smooth, so delicious,_ Lorelai thought as she crammed some babysitting essentials into her bag. _So dangerous. How could a cup of coffee be so threatening to them both?_ she wondered as she hurried down the stairs. She tried to repress a shudder when she saw Christopher unpacking his new flat careen TV, tried to lighten the mood by teasing him about using her conditioner, kissed him goodbye and made a quick escape. Lorelai sat in the Jeep for a moment under the pretense of letting the engine warm. _Stop using my conditioner. Stay away from my Lady Schick. Stop pouting, watch your damn flat sports and be a man. I'm marrying you, aren't I?_

She put the Jeep in reverse and began to back down the driveway, trying to tell herself that she wasn't feeling relieved to escape her own house for a few hours. Trying to convince herself that everything was just the way it should be. Trying to hang onto the illusion that she had so carefully crafted over the last few weeks. _Christopher had been so good. Caring and attentive. Extra caring, extra attentive. I'm lucky. So lucky to have a guy like that._ Her cell rang, jolting her from her thoughts. She reached for it blindly and pressed the button to answer as she put the car in drive.

"You should try the Skintimate shaving gel with that Lady Schick. You'll be as soft as a baby's bottom," she instructed.

"Excuse me?" Emily replied.

"Oh, Mom, hi," Lorelai said with a laugh.

"Lorelai, really, you shouldn't answer your phone like that if you don't know who is calling. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't answer your phone like that at all," Emily said with a sniff of disapproval.

"Sorry," Lorelai replied automatically. "What's up?"

"Well, I was just making a list of things to go over with Randall, and I wanted to check to see if you had finalized the menu."

"Yes, we did. It's all taken care of."

"And the vow renewal. Will you be using the traditional ceremony?" Emily asked innocently.

"Yes. Christopher wants the whole thing. Something about his high school French being rusty," Lorelai said distractedly as she drove.

"The whole thing?"

"You know, the 'Will you take this man' thing," Lorelai replied. _Will you take this man? This man. Not that man. To have and to hold. This man. The one who swipes your conditioner. 'Til death do us part. Not the one who doesn't know what conditioner does. This man, not that man. This man._

Emily paused for a moment and then said, "Very good. I have to say, I'm surprised at how much progress you have made, Lorelai. I truly believed I would be coming home to a list of preparations a mile long."

"Well, you said I had to," Lorelai answered defensively.

"You don't _have_ to do anything, Lorelai."

Lorelai pulled to a halt in front of Sookie and Jackson's house and turned off the engine. "You said I did. You said I needed to learn to compromise, so I am, but that still doesn't seem to be enough," she said impatiently. "I don't know what you want from me. I wanted the beef medallions, and Christopher wanted salmon; so we went with the Cornish game hens. Now neither of us will be happy. See? That's compromise. That's marriage, right?"

"Lorelai, there's no need to get so upset."

"I'm just trying to make everyone happy, Mom. You wanted a party, Rory and Chris and Dad wanted a party. You're getting a big fancy party. You wanted me to be more involved, make some decisions and compromise, I have," she said brusquely. "Now, I have to go. I'm babysitting for Sookie today because I think she's having some kind of mental breakdown. I've made my decisions, you and Randall can work out the rest and I'll get the seating chart to you tomorrow or Wednesday, okay?"

"That will be fine," Emily replied quietly. "Goodbye, Lorelai," she murmured before disconnecting.

"Bye," Lorelai snapped, closing the phone and pushing the diver's door open with her foot as she slung her bag over her shoulder. _I've made my decision._

****

_Bailed on Lorelai? Bailed on Lorelai? What the hell does she know? Bailed on Lorelai. I never would have bailed on Lorelai. I was going to marry Lorelai. Eventually, _that little voice inside of his head added. _I loved Lorelai. I love Lorelai. I'll always love Lorelai,_ he thought as he stared across the table at Anna. _You wouldn't know. You'll never know what it's like to be loved as much as I love Lorelai,_ he thought malevolently. _As much as I love April. That's why you won't share her. That's why you never told me. You want her to love you and only you. It doesn't work that way, Anna,_ he thought with a sneer. _She can love more than one person. There doesn't have to be a choice. Not when it comes to loving someone._

_Look at them sitting there judging me. They have no idea who I am. They can't possibly know what I'm capable of. I'm a good dad. A good dad. I gave up everything. Can't they see that? I made a choice, and I didn't even have to. It was stupid. You don't have to choose who to love. I lost Lorelai because of it. I made a sacrifice, one I shouldn't have had to make, but I did. For April. A good parent makes the sacrifices. They give a little. Or a lot,_ Luke fumed silently. He listened with half an ear as Anna and her attorney rattled on about the arrangements Anna had been making for April in New Mexico.

His attorney, Jim, cut them off by saying, "Your honor, we don't contest that Miss Nardini will make April's transition to the new living situation as seamless as possible. We contest the part where she cuts the child off from her father."

Anna sat back as her shark of an attorney leaned forward and said, "A father she barely knows, who does not have, let's face it, the most sterling personal history."

And that was where Luke snapped. "Okay, look. I know what you're talking about, and, yeah, I've made a few mistakes."

"Luke, hang on," Jim tried to caution him.

Luke shook his head stubbornly. "It's true. I was married before, and it only lasted a few months, but it ended amicably, pretty much," he admitted.

"Mr. Danes, I need you to refrain…" the judge started to say.

"And I may live above a diner, and some people may see me as a hermit," Luke continued, shooting Anna a glare.

"Luke," Jim tried again, placing a hand on Luke's arm to try to stop him.

"And I'm the first person to admit that you know all of my relationships haven't exactly been long-term," Luke rambled.

"Mr. McNally," the judge warned his attorney.

"Yeah, you know, but this is different. We are talking about my daughter, who I didn't even know I had for the first twelve years of her life. And now that I know her, and I know I'm her dad, I just want to be with her and be her dad 'cause I know I will be a good dad," Luke pled in an impassioned tone. "I don't get this. I was good enough when Anna let me go with April and her math team on that trip last year. I was good enough when Anna left April with me for two months while her mom recovered from surgery. I'm not asking to have full custody. I just want to see my kid. I just want what's fair!"

"Mr. Danes, be quiet," the judge finally ordered.

"I'm sorry, your honor. This won't happen again," Jim promised as he stared Luke down.

Luke sighed and sat back in his chair, knowing that he had probably blown whatever chance he had. _I just couldn't take it. I couldn't just sit here and take it! I haven't done anything wrong! I haven't done anything but try to be a good dad to April. _He sat there, trying to hold it together, trying not to scream his frustration. He rubbed a callous on the side of his finger with the pad of his thumb as the judge rattled on about reading letters into the record, only perking up when he heard her say, 'Lorelai Gilmore'.

The judge cleared her throat softly and began to read. "To whom it may concern, In the nearly 10 years that I have known Luke Danes, I have come to know him as an honest and decent man. He's also one of the most kind and caring persons I have ever met. I'm a single mother, and I raised my daughter by myself, but once Luke Danes became my friend in this town, I never really felt alone. Luke and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all, his relationship with my daughter, Rory, has never changed. He's always been there for her no matter what. He was there to celebrate her birthdays. He was there cheering her on at her high school graduation. Luke has been a sort of father figure in my daughter's life. With his own daughter, Luke wasn't given the opportunity to be there for her first twelve years, but he should be given that opportunity now. Once Luke Danes is in your life, he is in your life forever. I know from personal experience what an amazing gift that is, and not to allow him access to his daughter would be to seriously deprive her of all this man has to offer, and he offers so much. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Lorelai Gilmore."

Luke's heart was hammering as the blood rushed in his ears. Tears sprang to his eyes. Tears of gratitude, tears of relief, tears of regret, burning his eyes, searing his throat, warming that cold, dark place inside of him that nothing had touched in months. He blinked them back as he turned away from Anna's penetrating glare, unwilling to share this moment with her. _Lorelai loved me. She did._ Unable to give rein to the emotion that swirled inside of him. His heart felt too full, brimming with the simple, eloquent words she had written expressing everything that he meant to them. It was too heavy; laden with all of the words he longed to say to Lorelai, all of the words he never gave to her. He sat back, the rest of the proceedings drowned out by the words, 'Once Luke Danes is in your life, he is in your life forever,' playing on a continuous loop in his head. He held onto them, knowing that they may be the last gift she ever gave to him, but comforted by the knowledge that they would never truly be lost to one another. A ring really couldn't change that.

****

Lorelai drove home from Sookie's full of muffin bottom pie and fresh resolve. She smiled as she pulled to a halt behind the Volvo. _Okay, see? It's all okay. Yeah, things may not turn out the way that you thought they would, but that doesn't mean it can't be good. Sookie didn't plan on having another baby. She didn't think she wanted one, and now look, _she thought as she opened the car door with a satisfied smile. She stood on the front lawn for a moment, just looking up at her house. _Their house,_ she corrected herself. She could admit to herself that she probably really never thought about being married to Christopher. Not really. Not in the day to day, 'stop using up all of my conditioner' sort of way. But it wasn't bad. _Actually, it was pretty good, _she thought with a nod. _Maybe not as easy as some things were with Luke, but in some ways, it wasn't nearly as hard. Loving Christopher isn't nearly as hard as loving Luke. It's different. Easy. Smaller. More manageable. It doesn't hurt so much, _she admitted with a small sigh. Lorelai walked toward the house swinging the bag that held her magic socks. She glanced down at the balled up pair of socks and realized that for the first time in almost a year, she didn't wish she was off somewhere far, far away.

She stopped on the porch, looking over at the sofa she and Luke had sat on so many nights, sipping beers and making plans. _Somehow things got too big, _she thought. _Those dreams that I dreamed with Luke were so big, so all-encompassing. Sometimes that whole package was too heavy, too unwieldy, too much to carry. I couldn't carry that on my own, it was too hard. He had let go long before I did. I need to let it go, _she told herself sternly. _Sometimes good things come in small packages,_ Lorelai reminded herself as she reached for the doorknob.

"Hiya! I want to see the TV," she called as she dropped her bag inside the door and poked her head into the living room. Lorelai gasped. "Holy cripes, that's big! Oh, my gosh!" She turned and headed for the kitchen as she called out, "Does that come with a slushee machine and a gangly teenage usher?" She spotted Christopher sitting at the kitchen table and said, "Honey, the deal with Sookie..." Lorelai stopped when she saw the pad of paper on which she had written the draft of her character reference for Luke sitting next to his elbow. "Chris?"

"I read your letter," he said quietly.

Lorelai moved to the other chair and sank down into it as she said, "Honey, it's not a letter. It's just a character reference that Luke asked me to write for his court case."

"Reads like a letter," Christopher countered.

"Oh, yeah?" she asked cautiously.

"Almost like a love letter."

"No, it's a favor that Luke asked 'cause he needed…" she tried to explain.

Christopher shook his head impatiently. "You know what? Before you go through a whole list of excuses, let me just ask; is our marriage, such as it is, basically just marking time?"

"What?"

"Come on, Lor," he said, a hint of accusation creeping into his voice.

"Of course not," she answered quickly.

"I mean obviously you still have very deep feelings for the guy," he said as he pointed to the pad.

"No, no, I just have known him a long time, and he's..."

"Always been there, always will be there," Christopher said as he flung an arm out angrily.

Lorelai took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. "Luke needed a character reference for court to prove that he deserves partial custody of April, and I know him really well," she said carefully.

"Yes, you do."

"And so, it just made sense that he would ask me to write that character reference," Lorelai said quickly.

Christopher ran his hand through his hair. "I can't believe I just had coffee from his place," he muttered under his breath.

Lorelai stood up and went to him. "Coffee? Sweetie, I told you Sookie brought that, okay?"

"Do you still talk to him? I mean, do you see him?" Christopher demanded.

"This is crazy."

"Hey, I've got a right. I have a right to know," he insisted.

"Occasionally I see him because we live in the same town," Lorelai said, an edge of desperation creeping into her voice.

Christopher nodded. "Yeah, and I know you, Lor," he said bitterly.

"And?" she answered, instantly defensive. _No, you don't! You don't know me! Stop saying that! I don't know me anymore, so how can you possibly think that you know me?  
_  
"And I know that you're not done with him," Christopher hurled back at her.

Lorelai lost what little patience she had left. "Okay, this is ridiculous." When Christopher tried to move past her, she grabbed his arms to keep him there. "This is, hey, this is a ridiculous conversation, okay? I have a history with him, yes. I was engaged to him, yes. But I married you," she reminded him.

"But we're not married," he reminded her.

"We will be."

"Tell me you're not in love with him," he ordered.

"I'm not in love with him," Lorelai answered too quickly.

Christopher sighed and shook his head in disbelief. "I should've known. I mean, I mean, all the signs were there. I did know, but…"

"What signs?" she asked, incredulous.

"The fact that you didn't want to leave stars hollow, that you were dead set against redoing the wedding, that you didn't want to have a baby with me. I mean, it's all because of him, right?" he said, unable to stop the bitterness from coloring his words as he tried to get past her once more.

"No!" Lorelai said, curling her fingers into his arms. "How can I tell… It's over, okay? What I had with him, it's over, Chris," she said, practically pleading with him to understand.

"Then why did you hide the letter from me?"

"I wasn't hiding it. I put it in the drawer in case they lost the typed copy or the judge spilled coffee on it, the dog ate it. I don't know why I didn't tell you about it," Lorelai cried in frustration. "Maybe because I was afraid of this; that you'd act like this. Push me away like you pushed that stupid cup of coffee away!"

Christopher looked at her pityingly and said, "I think that it's because you're still in love with him."

"No, I love you. I love you!" Lorelai said as she tried desperately to hang onto him.

"You know what? I-I'm sorry, Lor. I just, I can't handle this," he said in a defeated tone.

"Handle what?"

"This. You and him," he said as he shook his head sadly. "I just, I can't handle being your second choice. I thought I could, but I can't, all right? I can't be your rebound. I'm sorry," he said as he finally freed himself from her grasp and walked out of the room.

"Christopher?" Lorelai called after him, but her feet would not move. She heard the front door close behind him, and called out weakly, "Chris?"

She forced her legs into motion, making it to the front window in time to see the headlights of his Volvo sweep the yard as he straightened out and pulled away from the house. Lorelai let the curtain swing back into place and stood staring unseeingly through the lacy fabric. "Come back," she whispered into the silence of the house. _Come back. I'll be better, I promise. Come back. I need you here. Don't leave me all alone with the razors and the soap on a rope and the spatulas. If you go too, what will I do?_

****

This surely had to be the longest night of his life. _Or maybe a close second,_ Luke amended as he remembered that night almost a year ago when Lorelai burst into his diner demanding that he marry her then and there. He paced his darkened apartment just as he had that night, wondering if he screwed it all up, wondering if he'd have anything left in the morning. _I should have packed the truck right then. No, I should have run after her first and then packed the truck. I should have fought for her. I shouldn't have punched that douche bag in the square. I never should have let it get that far. Why didn't I go after her?_

Luke dropped down into the worn old armchair and tipped his head back, staring up at the ceiling. _What if I lose April? There won't be anything left for me here. Maybe I should move to New Mexico. Surely Anna couldn't deny me visitation if I lived nearby, _he reasoned. _Can I leave Stars Hollow? Can I stay?_ he wondered. _I'll close up Luke's Diner and I'll go far, far away._ The words came back to haunt him. He'd been so sure; so cocky. He had everything he had ever wanted, finally. That night, he knew with absolute certainty that there was no way he was going to screw it up. _Stupid charts, with their stupid pink and blue blocks. And then, those stupid pink and blue ribbons everywhere he looked. I should go. I should get the hell out of this lunatic asylum once and for all. There's nothing for me here. I'll sell Taylor the buildings and he can turn the whole godforsaken town into Taylorville, what do I care?_

Luke rubbed his thumbnail over the worn fabric on the arm of the chair. _When I was in fifth grade, I told everybody Erik Estrada was my boyfriend and that we used to make out on his motorcycle._ Luke shook his head and pushed himself up out of the chair. He placed his hands on his hips and looked around at the little splashes of color that April had added to his life. _I have a right to know my daughter, and if I have to, I'll follow them to New Mexico to make sure that happens. I can't lose her now. I shouldn't have to lose her now,_ he thought as he trudged his way back to the bed.

_I have a right,_ he reminded himself as he fell back against the pillows. He rolled onto his side, staring wide-eyed at the empty expanse of bed. He ran his hand over the cool smooth sheets and reached for the pillow that had stopped smelling like her long ago. _I have a right to be happy,_ he told himself. _I just have to be ready to fight for it._

****

Lorelai blinked up at the ceiling, but stubbornly refused to get up and strip the sheets from the bed. _He'll come back. He'll come back,_ she told herself. _Christopher just needs to cool down. He needs a little time, a little perspective. We've been holed up here too much. _She twisted the gold band on her finger, pulling it up to her knuckle and trying to close her fingers around it. _He'll understand. He has to understand. That letter, I was just trying to help him keep his kid. It wasn't a love letter. If it had been a love letter, it would have been pages and pages long. _

_He has to know that I love him. I've told him over and over again. I told him much more than I ever told Luke. And, maybe it's not the same, but its still love. Why can't that just be enough?_ Lorelai stared dry-eyed at the ceiling, the sadness welling up inside of her again, but no tears would flow. _He'll come back. He always does._

****

The next time she blinked, the weak early morning sunlight filtered through the curtains, but she was still alone. Lorelai rolled out of the bed and padded to the window. She peered down at the drive, but Christopher's car was not there. The phone rang, and she reached for it without stopping to check the display.

"Hello?"

"Hey, I didn't wake you, did I?" Luke asked anxiously.

Lorelai's eyes opened wide as she realized who was on the other end of the line. "Uh, no, hi. No, I'm up," she stammered.

"I just had to tell you. I won," Luke said excitedly.

"You won?" Lorelai asked, blinking as she tried to figure out how he could know that Christopher had left.

"It's incredible. I thought I was screwed. I mean, her lawyer dug up every last bit of dirt she could find on me but…"

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Luke, that's great," Lorelai said, recovering quickly.

"Yeah, the judge waited until this morning to give us her decision. Oh, man, was that the longest night of my life. But I just got off with my lawyer. I get shared custody," he crowed.

"Wow. Congratulations," she said, a pleased smile curving her lips.

"Yeah, I get to see April at least one weekend a month, every other major holiday, half the summer. We're gonna work it all out. It's so great," he enthused.

"So great."

"Yeah, I guess the judge just took everything into consideration and realized how much I wanted to be in April's life. And, of course, your letter was a big help," he said, his voice deep and thick as warmed honey.

Lorelai glanced nervously at the window and then said, "Well, I just wanted to help you, help April."

"Well, you did, and I'm really grateful," he said sincerely. Luke paused for a moment, dying to talk to her some more, but knowing that he probably shouldn't. "Anyway, uh, sorry to call so early. Thanks again," he said quickly.

"Congratulations," Lorelai said with a half-hearted smile as she hung up.

She pressed the phone to her chest, and tried not to picture what it would have been like to be there by his side. She failed miserably. Dropping back across the bed, she gave in to it. She could feel his arms around her, hugging her hard, holding him to her as she breathed in the scent of Luke mixed with the sweet smell of victory. She could see his smile, his white teeth flashing brightly, those tiny crinkles around his eyes, the deeper crevices in his cheeks. She knew exactly how much stubble there would be on them today, assuming that he had shaved for court the day before. She knew exactly which spots were starting to come in a little more grey, and the surprising softness of the hairs on his throat.

Lorelai closed her eyes, surrendering to the imagined anticipation of his kiss. His warm and soft lips, gliding over hers with that patient deliberation that made her wonder why she would ever think that he should move faster. She could almost feel the rasp of his beard on her chin, the warmth of his breath on her face, the security of his arms around her, her heart, mind and soul in his strong, capable hands. A sob rose in her throat, cutting off her air and strangling the memories, choking them off until they became nothing but wisps that slipped through her fingers.

The phone rang again, and Lorelai blinked furiously, trying to read the display through the tears that threatened to spill. When she saw her parent's number, she tossed the phone to the bed and rolled up off of it. Lorelai hurried into the bathroom, keeping her eyes high and studiously ignoring the tile that mocked her as she turned on the water in the shower. She stripped out of her clothes, leaving them in a heap on the cold tile, and stepped under the steaming spray. She tipped her head back and let the hot water wash her scalding tears away.

****

Emily frowned as the answering machine clicked on. She placed the phone gently on its cradle and turned as Richard came down the steps fiddling with his bow tie.

"Emily, would you straighten this for me, please?" he asked as he tugged at it.

Emily's lips curved into an affectionate smile as she reached up to fix his tie. "You look very handsome. Be sure that all of those pretty young co-eds know that you have a wife that would tear their hair out," she said with a teasing smile.

"I have a wife who can be extremely silly at times," Richard said with a pleased smile. "But I'm glad that she's mine."

"Richard," Emily began haltingly as she tugged on one end of the tie to even it out.

"Yes, dear?"

"I spoke to Hope not long ago, and she told me something that is a little worrying."

"Oh? Is she feeling well?"

"She's fine," Emily assured him. "I was telling her that Lorelai and Christopher had eloped while they were visiting Paris, and she tells me that it's impossible for them to be married so quickly. Apparently, France has some fairly strict protocols one must go through in order to marry there," she explained as she rested her hands on his lapels and looked up at him.

"Are you saying that their marriage may not be valid?" Richard asked, taken aback.

"It doesn't appear so," Emily conceded.

"Do they know that? Does Lorelai know that?"

"I have no idea," Emily said with a frown. "I suspect that perhaps Christopher does. He is the one who contacted me about exchanging vows again, and apparently he is the one who contacted Sam Waldon to make the ceremony arrangements."

"But you don't know if Lorelai is aware?" Richard asked worriedly.

"No."

"Well, you need to tell her," Richard said with a decisive nod.

"Me?"

"Well, yes, you. You are her mother," Richard reminded her.

"Yes, I seem to remember that," Emily snapped. "Why should it be me? Shouldn't it be Christopher?"

"Ideally, yes, but we aren't certain that Christopher actually knows, are we?"

Emily brushed a spec of lint from his jacket and pursed her lips. "What if…" she began.

"What if?" Richard prompted warily.

"What if we didn't say anything? I could call Sam and explain the situation, and he could take care of whatever legalities need to be handled. I know he'd do it, Sondra and I have served on the DAR together forever."

"Are you suggesting that we don't tell Lorelai that her marriage may not be legal?" Richard asked, incredulous.

"It's merely a formality, Richard."

"A formality? It's a marriage license!" Richard said as he stepped away from her.

"They already got married. We'd just be making sure that everything is the way it should be," Emily argued.

"Have you lost your mind?" Richard demanded.

"You know how flighty Lorelai can be, Richard! She acts impulsively!"

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure!" Richard shot back. "I'm shocked that you would even suggest such a thing, Emily! Marriage is not something that one should be tricked into, it's immoral!"

"They are already married!" Emily said stubbornly.

"Apparently they are not!" Richard boomed. "Now, if telling our daughter the truth throws a wrench in your party planning, then I apologize, Emily," Richard said snidely.

"It isn't about the party!"

"But you cannot honestly believe that this is the best course of action to take!" Richard continued without hearing her. "You've tried this before, Emily, and it backfired spectacularly. This is not a matter of derailing a relationship that we feel may be inappropriate, which did not work, if you recall. This is marriage! A lifelong commitment!"

"I know that! And you know as well as I do that if Lorelai has time to stop and think, she may very well change her mind!"

"I will not be a party to this deceit! I will not knowingly stand by while you try to manipulate Lorelai again. Haven't you learned that lesson yet? It will not work!" Richard shouted.

"But Richard!" Emily protested.

"If she says no, then she says no, Emily, and that is that!" Richard turned and walked to the foyer. He picked up his briefcase and draped his overcoat over his arm. He turned and stared hard at Emily as he tugged at his tie, trying to loosen it a little. "You will call Lorelai today and explain what you have learned. If you do not, I will call her myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must leave or I will be late for my lecture," he huffed as he turned on his heel.

Emily jumped as the door slammed behind him, and pressed her hand to her throat. She blinked rapidly, fighting back her fear and indignation as she acknowledged that her husband may be correct, but it didn't make her happy.

****

Lorelai hung around the house a little too long that morning. She had just given up on Christopher showing up and was about to leave when Babette knocked on her door asking to borrow her big potted ficus. The next thing she knew, the two of them were trying to haul the plant across the yard, and Babette was over sharing about what she intended to do with it. Her cell rang, but Lorelai ignored it, too intent on finishing the task at hand and getting to the safety of the Dragonfly. When her phone rang again, Lorelai set the plant down and in an effort to forestall the next lesson in the Dell edition of the Kama Sutra, pulled out her cell and said, "Right, I'm gonna get this, Babette."

"All right," Babette said with a shrug.

Lorelai answered and said, "Hello?" Her brow furrowed as she turned away slightly and asked, "Rory? Honey, what's wrong?" She gasped and then said, "Oh, no. On my way!" She ended the called and began to run back to her house. "Sorry, Babette!" she called over her shoulder.

Babette watched her go, trying to catch her breath. "Morey!" she called toward her own house, and then took off after Lorelai. She paused just inside the open front door and watched as Lorelai searched frantically through her purse, trying to find her car keys. "Sugah? Is Rory okay?"

"Um, Rory's fine," Lorelai said as she began systematically unloading her bag. "My dad. He, uh, collapsed," she explained as she finally felt her keys and pulled them free from the bag. She shoved her wallet and checkbook back into her purse and jingled the keys nervously as she double checked to be sure she put her cell back in her pocket. "They think it's his heart," she said as she hurried to the front door.

Babette stepped aside to let her pass, and then pulled the door closed as Lorelai dashed to her car. "You'll call?" she yelled from the porch.

"As soon as I know anything," Lorelai promised with a wave. She pulled the car door shut, jammed the key into the ignition, and put the car in reverse. As soon as she hit the road, she dialed Christopher's number. When his voicemail picked up, she said, "Hey, it's me. Rory just called. Dad collapsed in class this morning. She thinks he had a heart attack. I'm heading for New Haven. Call me."

_**tbc**_


	5. I'd Rather Be in Stars Hollow

**I'd Rather be in Stars Hollow**

Lorelai found Rory immediately. They sat and talked quietly as she hugged her little girl tightly, chasing away the fear and uncertainty, just as she had always done. After she calmed down a little, Rory when on the hunt for snacks, and Lorelai pulled out her cell phone. She dialed and then waited until she heard the tone and then said, "Hi, Chris, it's me again. Uh, I'm at the hospital now, and, um, it was a heart attack, but dad's okay. He's just getting some tests. So, um...we're in the C.I.C.U. At John Skinner Medical Center. It's on the first floor, and there's a red stripe running down the hallway. Just please call me when you get this, okay? Thanks."

The doctor came out and spoke to them briefly, explaining that they were sending Richard to the cath lab for an angiogram. They had just settled back into their seats when Emily appeared in her workout clothes. They filled her in on what they knew and then followed her anxiously as Emily made a beeline for the nurses' station. After she had her opportunity to berate and browbeat the overly chipper nurse on duty, Lorelai and Rory lured Emily back to the waiting room with the promise of a cup of tea and some snacks. They listened patiently as Emily raved on about morons sitting behind a desk, the incompetent staff at the club, rules against keeping her cell phone on while she played tennis and possible drug deals taking place in the locker rooms. Soon she move on to fish and the article she had read about its ability to prevent heart attacks and stroke, and how it was the country club's fault that Richard was in the midst of having an angiogram at that very moment.

They were momentarily distracted by Logan's unexpected arrival and his offer to fetch coffee and tea. As left to go on a tea hunt, Emily smiled at his retreating back. "That's a fine young man, Rory. Very sweet, very considerate."

"I like him," Rory answered with a modest shrug.

Emily nodded and said, "He's one of the good ones." She turned to her daughter and asked, "Lorelai, where's Christopher?"

"Oh, he's on his way," Lorelai said easily, hoping that Christopher wouldn't make a liar out of her.

"From where?" Emily asked sharply.

Lorelai looked up as she searched for a good answer. "Um, uh...Dr. Goldstein," she said as she nodded to the doctor approaching them.

Emily stood up and lifted her chin as she said, "I'm Emily Gilmore."

"Good. I'm glad you're here. The blockage is worse than we'd hoped. I think the best course of action, really the only course of action, is to do emergency bypass surgery," he told them in a straight forward tone.

"Open-heart surgery?" Lorelai asked, taken aback.

Emily shook her head slightly and said, "Let him finish, Lorelai."

The doctor turned his attention back to Emily and said, "We'd like to go into surgery as soon as possible. So now would be the time if you'd like to visit him."

Rory nodded quickly. "Yes. Yeah, we'd like to see him."

Dr. Goldstein nodded and said, "If you'll follow me."

The three Gilmore women followed him down the hall, the younger two listening as Emily peppered the doctor with questions. They stepped into the room to find Richard awake but a little groggy. They spoke softly. Richard apologized to Rory for scaring her. Emily filled Richard in on his surgeon's educational history and fretted about the room. Lorelai studied her father carefully as he lay still in the bed. _He looks so small. When did my father get so small? _she wondered. Richard looked up at her and she smiled reassuringly, "Are you okay, Dad? I mean how are you feeling, considering everything? You look okay," she said nervously.

Richard smiled wanly and said, "Well all in all, I think I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

Rory chuckled knowingly and said, "Ronald Reagan."

Richard's smile was indulgent as he corrected, "Quoting W.C. Fields."

"Oh, I didn't know that," Rory said with a frown.

"It would be great now. You know winter is a great time to see the Liberty Bell and the cream cheese," Lorelai said with a nod. "That's all I got on Philadelphia."

"Lorelai," Emily sighed.

Lorelai shrugged and added, "Well the cheesesteaks, the Philly cheesesteaks."

"Lorelai please," Emily said impatiently. "Richard, is your neck getting enough support? It looks like you need another pillow."

As Emily fussed with his pillows Richard sighed and began to complain about Tucson. The heat, the cacti and all things fashion related were found to be a source of derision. Once they were shooed from Richard's room, Lorelai excused herself saying she needed to find the ladies room. She wound around in the corridors until she was sure neither Rory nor Emily would run across her and dialed Christopher's number. "Hey, it's me again. I don't know if you got my other messages." Lorelai paused. _Christopher never turns his phone completely off in case Gigi needs him._ "Uh, we're still here at the hospital, and, uh, Dad's gonna have surgery. He's having a coronary bypass pretty soon. I just came from his room, and, um, he doesn't look bad, you know? He looks okay, considering," she rambled. "But, uh, he's lying down. He just, he just looks so small. It just made me think of this time. There was a tree in our yard I would always climb, and one day, I climbed up really, really high. Dad came home from work. I watched him go into the house. I thought, 'he looks so small.' It was so strange to see him look like that. Um..." she paused and then sighed as her call waiting beeped. "Anyway, I should go, but, uh, call me when you get this, okay? Bye."

Lorelai clicked over to the other line and talked to Sookie for a minute. She filled her in on what they knew so far, and Sookie relayed Michel's messages, and tried in vain to deflect his questions about what to do with some bothersome guests. Lorelai made her way back to the waiting room and ran across Emily standing at the nurses' station sweet talking the maitre d' at a restaurant called Persephone's. As they made their way back into the waiting room, Emily rattled off a manic list of things she needed to do. She looked up as they rounded the corner and said, "Oh no, not him again. What's he doing here?"

Lorelai looked up and saw Luke standing just inside the door. Her heart leapt as she saw him shift nervously from one foot to the other. "I don't know," she said breathlessly as she approached him.

"Hey," he said in a low, soft voice.

"Hi," Lorelai said as she glanced nervously back at her mother.

"I was just in the diner. Babette came and told me your dad had a heart attack," he explained.

"Yeah."

"I swear I didn't even know what I was doing. I just walked right out the diner and drove straight here," he said softly. Luke grimaced as he glanced at Emily. "Now that I'm here I realize I might be in the way, but if there's anything I can do, I want to do it."

"Uh, well…"

"Why is he here?" Emily hissed in Rory's ear.

Rory shrugged, a smile lighting her face as she stood up. "He's Luke. This is what he does. He takes care of people. He takes care of us." She began to make her way over to them with Logan on her heels. "Hi, Luke."

"Hey, Rory, Logan," he added with a nod to the younger man.

"Want some coffee?" Logan asked.

"No, I'm okay. Thanks very much," Luke said as he shook his head.

"Luke doesn't drink coffee," Lorelai and Rory said at the same time.

Luke smiled slightly and turned back to Lorelai. He took a deep breath and said, "Look, I don't want to cause any kind of weirdness here. I mean, I don't want to make him feel…"

"Christopher isn't here," Lorelai told him. She glanced over as she saw her mother approaching and added, "But he will be any second, so..."

Luke nodded his understanding. "Okay, I'll just get out of here."

Lorelai pressed her lips together and clasped her hands tightly. _Don't tell him. Don't touch him. This isn't real. It's all a dream, it has to be a dream,_ she told herself. She steeled herself to send him away, when all she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms. Finding her voice, she said, "I mean, thanks. There's just not much for you to do."

"Oh, yes, there is, absolutely," Emily interrupted. "There's plenty for you to do Luke. You can drive to the Yale campus and pick up Richard's car," she instructed.

Lorelai gaped at her mother and then said, "Mom, he can't do that."

"No, it's no problem," Luke assured them.

Emily nodded. "I'm not exactly sure where it's parked, but it shouldn't be too hard to find. Check the faculty lot and wherever they have parking. It's a 2006 jaguar. It's green. Oh, and I think its a little low on gas," she told him. Lorelai stared at her mother in disbelief. "So, if you wouldn't mind filling the tank on the way back to the house, that would be great," Emily continued as Lorelai's eyes widened.

"Okay, sure," Luke said easily.

"Okay, I'll get the key," Emily said as she rummaged in her bag for her key ring.

"Mom, is he supposed to drive the car to the house, then what, take a cab all the way back to Yale to get his truck?" Lorelai asked, incredulous.

"I have no objection to that," Emily said as she removed Richard's spare key from the ring.

"Seriously, it's no problem," Luke told Lorelai.

Emily looked up at him and said, "Now, fill it with premium, not whatever sludge they try to pass off as regular."

"Premium, you got it," Luke said with a nod.

Emily held out the key and then pulled it back as she asked, "You do know how to drive a European car, don't you?"

"Mom," Lorelai objected.

"Absolutely. Don't worry," Luke assured her.

"There's nothing to yank. It's a jaguar, not a lawn mower," Emily said brusquely.

"Oh, my god!" Lorelai gasped.

"Now just leave the key with Soledad," Emily continued, unabated. "And, here," she said as she pulled some bills from her wallet. "You can keep the change."

Luke shook his head as he waved the money away. "Oh, Emily thanks, really. Really, it's my pleasure."

Emily nodded as she tucked the money back into her billfold. "If you insist." She looked up and gave Luke a measuring stare as she said, "If you don't mind terribly, I need someone to make sure that the path to the front door is shoveled."

"Mother, stop," Lorelai said firmly.

Emily rolled her eyes as her cell rang and she flipped it open. "Hello? Oh, hello. You got my message about the fish…"

Lorelai turned back to Luke, her cheeks flooding with color as she said, "Sorry. We're all a little..." She glanced at her mother. "And, she read an article about how fish can prevent heart attacks. Now she thinks it's the key to everything," she tried to explain.

Luke gave her a wry smile as he said, "Ah well, fish is good."

"Yeah."

Their eyes met for a moment and a small jolt of awareness passed between them. "All right, I should get going," Luke said gruffly as he broke eye contact.

Lorelai took an involuntary step back. "Okay. Well, thanks," she added with a small wave. Luke nodded and turned to leave. Lorelai watched him go, her heart aching to call him back and ask him to stay with her. She walked slowly back to their chairs and dropped down heavily as Emily wrapped up her call.

"Yes! Goodbye!" Emily closed her phone and muttered, "Another incompetent." She looked around the waiting room and then said, "Lorelai go and get Luke back. I need him to bring a check for the fish man."

"Mom, I'm not. He's done enough already," she said stubbornly. "Why don't you reschedule the fish man for later in the week?" she suggested.

"Because this is important," Emily insisted.

"It's important to have fish at the house right now?" Lorelai demanded.

"Well, Logan and I can meet the fish man, with the check if you want," Rory offered.

"Oh, that would be marvelous," Emily all but gushed.

"You don't get to do that anymore," Lorelai said abruptly.

"Do what?" Emily asked, shocked by her daughter's tone.

"You don't get to talk to him like that anymore. You don't get to treat him like that! He's not a servant!" Lorelai said angrily.

"Mom," Rory said gently.

"No, Rory, no," Lorelai said as she shook her head vehemently. "She doesn't get to treat Luke like that!" She turned back to Emily and said, "He had to put up with it when we were together, but you don't get to do that anymore. You need to call him and apologize for the way you spoke to him," she demanded.

"I most certainly will not!" Emily scoffed.

"It's wrong, Mom. You don't treat someone who is offering their help that way. It's wrong," Lorelai said adamantly.

"I do not need you or your father to tell me what is right or wrong, Lorelai Gilmore. I am perfectly capable of determining that on my own, thank you very much," Emily snapped.

Rory jumped into the fray. "Okay, we're going to the house. I want to get some of grandpa's stuff so he has it when he wakes up."

Lorelai jumped up as she said, "Wait a minute I'll do that."

"Do what?" Rory asked with a confused frown.

"You pay the fish man, and I'll get some of grandpa's stuff."

"But, Mom, that's silly. They're in the same place."

"Yes, but then we'll both have a job. You have a job and I have a job," Lorelai insisted, giving Rory a pointed stare.

"Yeah, but going to Grandma and Grandpa's is one job. Somebody needs to look after Grandma," Rory reminded her.

Lorelai blew out a breath as she muttered, "Fine."

"I mean if you really want…" Rory began.

"No fine, she's my mother," Lorelai said with a huge sigh.

"Well, you're my mother," Rory pointed out.

"Exactly. It's a tangled web," Lorelai said as she dropped back into her chair.

She sat back as Emily gave detailed instructions on how her precious fish should be stored, and then grudgingly handed over her car keys as both Rory and Logan realized that they did not have a vehicle to use. Emily sat back down and immediately started listing people she needed to call and wondered aloud if they would have access to a fax machine. Lorelai tuned her out until Emily uttered the magic words. "And I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" she asked.

"I don't know, probably. I should be. Don't feel hungry," Lorelai said with a confused frown.

Emily nodded and said, "Alright then we should get something to eat. But first, I want to see if those addled nurses will allow me to use their fax machine."

Lorelai sighed and checked her cell for messages as they stood up. As she waited for Emily, her phone rang. Her phone rang and Lorelai checked the display. She smiled tiredly as she answered and spoke to Babette for a few minutes. She followed Emily through the cafeteria line and then carried their trays when Emily abandoned them to take yet another phone call. By the time she reached the table, Emily was deep in conversation wills, living wills and do not resuscitate orders. She listened in shock as her mother calmly requested that they all be faxed to the hospital fax number. After Emily hung up, she immediately began to complain about the table she had chosen.

"Mother you're getting Dad's will faxed here?" Lorelai asked, horrified.

"Yes."

"Why, you need to read it right now?"

"Well, yes," Emily answered with a shrug.

"You want to make sure he left you the Mercedes and Jag?" Lorelai asked snidely.

"I don't care what you think I'm being pragmatic," Emily said firmly.

"You know what, I'm not hungry anymore," Lorelai said as she pushed her chair back and left the table.

She wandered the halls, hugging herself tightly. When it all got to be a bit too much, she stepped into the ladies room and locked herself in a stall, leaning against the door as she blinked back furious tears. _He's not dead. He's not dying. Where the hell is Christopher? He's supposed to be here. He's supposed to love me. Luke was here. Luke. Luke. Luke. Oh God, I wish Luke was here,_ she thought as she wrapped her arms around her waist and doubled over as a sob wracked her body_. I'm alone. Again. Naturally._

Hot fresh tears flowed from her eyes, clogging her throat, choking off her air. As she struggled to catch her breath, Lorelai pulled a stream of toilet paper from the roll and tried ineffectually to mop her face. She slid down against the door, her bottom hitting the cold tile floor with a jolt as she hugged her legs, drawing them up to her chest. "Luke," she whispered as she pressed her cheek to her knee.

Ten minutes and a good cry later, Lorelai splashed cold water on her face and dried it with a handful of paper towels. She poked her head out into the hallway and walked aimlessly down the corridor to until she found the gift shop. She roamed the store aimlessly, finally plucking a box of Milk Duds from the candy display.

"There you are. I've been looking for you everywhere," Emily said as she crossed the store.

Lorelai sighed. "Oh, yeah?"

"I just got these faxed, and…" Emily started as she held out a sheaf of papers.

"Oh, Mom please, can we drop this?" Lorelai asked pleadingly.

"I need to verify your social-security number."

Lorelai shook her head stubbornly, "I don't want to give you my social-security number right now. Why don't you help me pick out a little gift for dad?"

"What do you think I'm trying to do, run a con, steal your identity?"

"No, Mom, I've just had enough of talking about social security and wills, okay?"

"Your father's lawyer faxed these over from the bank, and I need your social-security number," Emily insisted.

"You have got to be kidding me," Lorelai scoffed.

"What would I be kidding about?" Emily asked in a bewildered tone.

"You're acting like dad is dead. Dad is not dead!"

"Lorelai, six years ago, when your father was in the hospital, we were completely unprepared, and we agreed to never let that happen again. So we made a plan, and I am simply following through on the plan," Emily said stiffly.

"So, your plan was to chat up Persephone's to make sure you don't lose your special table and to order tons of swordfish and salmon to keep your skin glowing and to happily discuss with Quentin whether or not dad should be resuscitated?" Lorelai asked snidely.

"These are things that need to be dealt with," Emily asserted.

"No! What has to be dealt with is that dad could be dying. What you're dealing with is phone calls and a checklist. You're not his secretary. You're his wife!" Lorelai said heatedly.

"Yes. And what do you know about being a wife?" Emily replied with equal heat. "You've been married for what, forty days? That's nothing. Your father and I have been married for over forty years!" She stared straight into her daughter's eyes and said, "For two-thirds of my life, I have been the wife of Richard Gilmore. I run his household. I plan his meals. I buy his clothes, entertain his business associates. When he loses his reading glasses, I find them. When he wants a nightcap, I make it for him. If he can't remember the name of a colleague's wife, I whisper it in his ear." Emily took a deep tremulous breath. "That's what I do, I take care of him. That's my job. That's who I am. If I could be performing his surgery right now, I would be, but I can't, it's out of my hands." Her voice broke as she said helplessly, "It's out of my hands, and there's nothing I can do but wait. I could lose him, Lorelai. He's my whole life, and there's nothing I can do!"

"Mom," Lorelai said softly.

Emily turned away. "I'm sorry. This is inappropriate," she sniffed.

"No, it's not. Its fine," Lorelai assured her. She reached out and grabbed a pack of tissues from the shelf.

Emily sniffled loudly. "Oh, god, I'm a mess." She looked down at the tissue in her hand and then the pack that Lorelai held. "Did you just take those?"

"Don't worry about it. Pay for it later," Lorelai said with a small smile as she waved her box of Milk Duds as her mother sighed gustily. "I'll get these."

After paying for her purchases, Lorelai led her mother from the gift shop. Emily took a deep shuddering breath. "Lorelai, I have to tell you something," she said in a low voice.

"What's that, Mom?" Lorelai asked distractedly as she scanned the signs, trying to figure out how to get back to their waiting room.

"It takes something special to be married as long as your father and I have. I know that our relationship baffles you. I know that you don't understand it, but it's very real and it's very special. A once in a lifetime love," Emily said as they walked slowly through the maze of hallways.

"I know, Mom."

"No, you don't know," Emily replied. She stopped suddenly and waited for Lorelai to turn to look at her. "Or, maybe you do. It takes a deep and abiding kind of love to live with another person as long as your father and I have lived with each other. Over forty years. That's forty years to love each other, and forty years to hurt each other. To survive that; the little slights, the tremendous pain and the boundless joy of that kind of love, it has to be very special."

"Yes, it does."

"A person can love in any number of ways. The love you have for your child, your friends, and your family. The love you have for someone that you have a special connection with, like you have with Christopher. You'll always have that. But they are all different from the kind of love it takes to make a marriage last for nearly half a century. It takes a love rooted in something more than some romantic fantasy of what marriage is. It takes friendship, devotion, common beliefs and goals. It takes a deeper love, one that is resilient enough to take the blows that life deals you, the ones that you inflict on one another," she said earnestly. "It takes the kind of love that you have for Luke," she said quietly.

Lorelai opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come out. She dropped her gaze to her feet and bit her bottom lip hard.

"I spoke to your Aunt Hope. You cannot marry on a whim in France," she said quietly.

"What?"

"You and Christopher are not legally married," Emily said cautiously. She watched Lorelai's expression carefully, but did not see even a flicker of shock. "You knew," Emily stated, pursing her lips.

"Yes," Lorelai whispered, exhaling with relief as she admitted the truth. "Well, not at first, but I found out a few weeks ago," she corrected.

"You found out a few weeks ago," Emily repeated blankly.

Lorelai nodded and said, "Yeah, the day that we, uh, met with you and Randall at the ballroom, actually. I found out that night."

"And you planned to actually marry him at the vow renewal," Emily concluded.

"He, uh, he still wanted to get married," Lorelai said haltingly.

"And you were going to marry him," Emily said flatly.

Lorelai looked up and offered her mother a weak smile. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"You were going to marry a man you don't love," Emily said sadly.

"I do love Christopher," Lorelai said quickly.

"But you aren't in love with him. You're still in love with Luke."

"Luke is not an option," Lorelai said as she turned and began walking toward the waiting room again.

Emily started after her. "Do you know what I thought when I heard the message you left us telling us that you eloped?"

"I don't want to know," Lorelai said as she started walking faster.

"I thought, 'Well, that's typical. Lorelai impulsively runs off and marries a man who will never be able to be a good match for her. He'll never have the backbone.' Christopher is Peter Pan, Lorelai. He'll never grow up. He's the eternal boy," Emily said derisively. "He can't take care of you, he can't even be your partner," Emily said as she trotted to keep up. "Thank God you're not married to him."

"I'm going to be," Lorelai called over her shoulder.

"No, Lorelai, you're not," Emily said as they reached the waiting room. She pressed her hand to her heart as she caught her breath. "I won't let you."

"You can't stop me," Lorelai retorted.

"I'll cancel the wedding."

"We'll go to the courthouse! We'll elope right here in the good old U. S. of A.!"

"Where is Christopher, Lorelai? Why isn't he here with you?" Emily demanded.

"We'll work it out!"

"Why? Why bother? He can never be what you need him to be! He's too weak," Emily cried in frustration. "You're free! You aren't married to him. You can have anyone!"

"I don't want anyone!"

"You want Luke."

"I can't have Luke, Mother. Luke doesn't want me," Lorelai hissed.

"He came here for you."

"He came here to help because I helped him with April, that's all," Lorelai said as she stalked to her chair and sat down, crossing her arms stubbornly.

"He came here because he can't stop taking care of you. That's what he does. It's all he wants to do. He'll even put up with me if it means he gets to care for you," Emily said as she stared down at her daughter triumphantly.

"He doesn't want me. I made sure of that. He'll never want me again," Lorelai said quietly as she tugged at the gold band on her finger. "I hurt him too badly."

Emily sat down in the chair next to her daughter and smiled knowingly. "You'll have a lifetime of hurting each other ahead of you."

"I don't want to. I don't want to ever hurt him again," Lorelai said tiredly.

"Ah, but you will. And he'll hurt you. And you'll love him and he'll love you. He'll take care of you and you'll take care of him. That's what that kind of love is all about," she said softly. "Aside from Luke, as your mother I have to tell you, I would rather see you spend your life alone on your own terms than live some kind of half-life married to a man who is not worthy of you and cannot possibly be the man you need him to be. It's not fair to either of you. Christopher will never measure up."

Lorelai stared down at her hands, watching as she slid that plain gold band past her knuckle and then back down again, over and over. "How did I get here?" Lorelai asked; her voice cracking.

Emily reached down for the small plastic bag Lorelai had dropped at her feet. She opened it, pulled out the pack of tissues and handed one to Lorelai. She watched her daughter dry her eyes and straighten her shoulders, gulping in deep breaths of stale hospital air. "You'll find your way back," Emily said with quiet confidence. She pulled the box of Milk Duds from the bag and frowned at them as she opened the tab. "What are these?"

Lorelai glanced over at the box and said, "Chocolate covered caramels."

"Oh? Well, I think that we deserve some chocolate," Emily said as she shook one into her hand and then offered the box to Lorelai.

Lorelai took the box from her and smiled as Emily tried to take a dainty bite of the Milk Dud. She shook her head and said, "They're really chewy. Just pop it in your mouth and suck on it."

Emily rolled her eyes at Lorelai's instructions, but did as she was told. Rory and Logan walked into the waiting room and found them huddled together, passing the box of candy back and forth, too busy chewing to talk. The four of them waited, watching the minutes tick by as they chewed and chewed, anxiously awaiting news. Finally, Dr. Goldstein appeared still dressed in his scrubs.

He rubbed his hands together as the foursome looked up expectantly. "So, he's out of surgery, and it went extremely well. His recovery won't be immediate. He still has several days here at the hospital. But we can go over more of that later," he told them. "He's groggy now and tired. After he gets some rest, you can all visit with him, but for now, maybe just his wife."

When Emily left to go see Richard, Lorelai slipped outside to try one last time. She sighed sadly as the voicemail beeped. "Hi, it's me. Again. Um, dad's out of surgery, and it went well, and he's doing fine, so, it's good news. I just, I wanted you to know, because, I don't know why. 'Cause you haven't returned any of my calls. But I just thought I would, uh, tell you what's going on because, I'm your wife, kind of your wife, and I think that's what I'm supposed to do." She turned and watched the snow falling heavily beyond the hospital portico. "It's probably a good thing I'm not really your wife because I have no idea how to be your wife. But I'm trying. You say you want to be my husband, but it doesn't seem like you're trying, you know? It seems like you should be here or call me back. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what married people do, is be there for each other," she said bitterly. "But, I know you're upset, and I know we had a fight, but this is just bigger than that, you know? It's my dad, and he's had a heart attack. And everybody's been here. I mean, I've talked to Sookie and even Michel and Patty and Babette, and they've all been here for me, but, the man who says he's my husband, wants to be my husband, he's not here. That's not okay, Chris, you know? It's not okay," she said before she disconnected and walked back into the hospital.

She turned as the doors slid closed behind and watched the snow fall silently on the other side of the glass. _She's right, I can't do this,_ she realized as she watched the fat flakes fall damp and heavy, coating the ground. _I can't do this._

****

_Maggie Blues_ played softly on the portable phonograph Rory and Logan had brought from the house. "I wish I was a crooner," Richard said drowsily. The girls chuckled and talked softly with him, plying him with music and little jokes about W.C. Fields and Philadelphia. Lorelai smiled and told her father how good he looked, restored to his full height even lying in a hospital bed. Richard sighed softly and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll just close my eyes for a little minute."

Richard drifted off to sleep under the watchful gazes of his daughter and granddaughter. They spoke softly, so as not to disturb him, lapsing into the occasional silence.

"The music's nice," Lorelai commented.

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

"Hey, Rory?"

"Hey, Mom?"

"You know, I'm glad to see you doing so well with Logan. I'm happy that you're happy," Lorelai said sincerely. "He's not half bad, that kid. He's almost okay."

Rory chuckled and said, "Yeah, he's all right." She turned back to Richard, keeping her eyes locked on her grandfather as she said, "Hey, uh, Mom?"

"Hey, uh, Rory?" Lorelai returned with a smile.

"Um, do you know where Dad is?" Rory asked hesitantly.

Lorelai's smile faded as she whispered, "No, Hon." She sighed as she stared down at her father. "For all I know, he's in Philadelphia."

Rory nodded as she looked up at the clock. "Time's about up."

"Yeah, it is," Lorelai answered as they stood. Rory turned the music off and they tiptoed from the room to wait out the rest of the hour until they could visit for another ten minutes.

They found Emily in the hallway speaking to Dr. Goldstein about what room Richard would be moved to after his time in cardiac intensive care was finished. As the doctor offered to show them the way to the wing where the private patient rooms were, Lorelai looked up and saw Luke depositing bags of food on the desk at the nurses' station.

She turned to Emily and Rory and said, "Go ahead. I'll be right there."

Rory nodded her understanding. "Okay, Mom."

Emily watched her daughter approach the man in the backwards baseball cap with a mixture of fear and anticipation. She watched them talk as she followed Dr. Goldstein from the C.I.C.U. corridor, wishing she could somehow protect Lorelai, praying that she wasn't wrong about Luke's feelings for her daughter, hoping that in the end they could find a little bit of happiness in whatever was left between them.

Lorelai approached the desk as Luke told the nurse on duty, "Make sure they get it. Just be careful of this bag here, 'cause it's leaking a little bit."

"Hey, you're back," she said, feasting her eyes on his profile, her fingers itching to yank that hideous black cap from his head.

Luke turned and smiled sheepishly. "Oh, hey. I just, I didn't want to bug you. I just wanted to drop off some food for you guys and get going."

Lorelai returned his smile and said, "Luke you didn't have to do that."

Luke shook it off, shrugging as he said, "No, it's all right. I wanted to bring some stuff anyway. Zach helped. He got the food together and gave me a ride back. He said to tell you that he and Lane are there if you need them." He looked around nervously and said, "So, all right, I'm gonna get out of here now," as he jerked a thumb toward the door.

Lorelai nodded, reading the worry on his face as if he were an open book. "He's okay. The surgery went well."

Luke's smile was genuine as he said, "Oh, that's terrific. That is such good news."

"He's doing really well. They think he'll be able to go home in a couple days," Lorelai told him with a hopeful smile.

"Oh, that's so good. Yeah," he said as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets to keep from pulling her into his arms and holding her tight. "So, how's he looking?"

Lorelai's smile was almost shy as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "Um, he looks good. Big. Tall," she added with a chuckle.

Luke nodded as he gazed down at her affectionately. "That's good. Yeah, he's tall. He's a big man. He is a big, tall man," he said, a smile curving his lips.

"He is, isn't he?" Lorelai asked, feeling lighter than she had in months.

"Always intimidated the crap out of me," Luke said in a low conspiratorial voice. He rocked back on his heels, watching her eyes light up as she laughed. He chuckled softly and turned toward the desk, afraid of being caught up in that smile. "Okay. So look, I got a couple of burgers, assortment of sandwiches," he listed. He pointed to another bag and said, "There're some salads, in case all of a sudden you want to eat some salad."

"Mm hmm," Lorelai hummed as she stole a glance at him through her eyelashes.

"All right, couple pieces of pie, half a dozen chocolate-chip cookies, and, of course, there is the fish bag," he said as he pointed to yet another bag.

"You brought a fish bag?"

Luke shrugged and said, "Well, I heard some talk about fish." He picked up the bag and began reeling off its contents. "There're two fillets, okay? Lobster roll, fish tacos, two tuna-fish sandwiches, some fried fish, and fish sticks."

Lorelai smiled and looked up, only to see Christopher approaching. Her smile faded and her eyes darted nervously from Luke to Christopher as she said, "Hi. You're here."

"I'm here," Christopher said flatly.

Luke glanced from Lorelai to the putz standing beside her and said, "All right, I'm gonna get going."

"Yeah, you should," Christopher said rudely. He locked eyes with Luke for a moment, and then looked away, focusing instead on Lorelai.

Luke bit back the urge to plow his fist into that smug face once more and turned back to Lorelai too. "I'm glad your dad's doing good," he said as he gave her a slight nod and then began walking toward the door.

Lorelai turned to watch him leave. "Luke?" she called after him. When he turned back, she smiled and held up her hand in a small wave as she simply said, "Thank you."

"Anytime," he said with a small sad smile, and then he was gone.

Lorelai turned back to Christopher and said, "Why didn't you call me? I didn't think you were coming."

"Clearly," Christopher drawled.

"No, he just brought food. I didn't call him," Lorelai said firmly.

"I don't want to talk about this here," Christopher said in a low voice.

"What…" she began.

"Not now," he hissed as he saw Rory, Logan and Emily approaching.

"Dad, hey," Rory said cautiously.

"Christopher, I'm so glad you're here," Emily said, a stiff edge to her tone.

"Of course, of course. I'm so glad to hear that Richard's okay," Christopher said ingratiatingly. "How you doing, kiddo?" he asked Rory.

"I'm okay," Rory assured him. "I think we're gonna go visit grandpa again. Do you want to come? I'm sure he'd be happy to see you."

Christopher nodded and said, "Yeah that'd be great."

"Okay, come on," Rory said as she took his arm. Without looking back, Christopher allowed himself to be led away from the desk area.

Emily pursed her lips as she stood next to her daughter and watched him go. "It'll be all right. Every cloud has a silver lining," she said at last. "At least you aren't married to him," Emily added, her lips quirking at the corners.

Lorelai couldn't even muster a chuckle. "Thanks, mom," she said softly.

Emily looked over at her and shrugged. "Well, blood is thicker than water."

"Hmm," Lorelai acknowledged as she turned to look at the bags of food on the nurses' desk. She picked up the white bag Luke had held just moments before and dropped it into Emily's arms. As her mother clutched the bag in surprise, Lorelai smiled and said, "Luke brought you a fish bag. Enjoy."

"A fish bag?" Emily asked as she eyed the bag with distaste.

Lorelai smiled as she picked up the other two bags and said, "Not really the kind of fish that you were thinking of, but, well, he tried," as she carried the other two bags over to their chairs.

Emily scanned the list of contents scribbled on a pale blue order ticket and stapled to the bag as she followed Lorelai. "Fish sticks? Tuna fish sandwiches?" she scoffed. "What is a fish taco? It sounds appalling."

"It's a sweet gesture," Lorelai insisted as she dropped down in her chair. "There's a salad in one of these," she said as she pulled a chocolate chip cookie from a bag and shoved half of it into her mouth.

"Thank God," Emily murmured as she peeked into one of the other bags. "He didn't need to do this," she said softly.

Lorelai smiled as she looked down at the other half of her cookie. "Yeah, but he did. That's Luke. That's what he does."

"I'll call him tomorrow and thank him," Emily said primly.

Lorelai smiled, knowing that was as close as she or Luke would ever come to getting an apology from Emily Gilmore.

"Grandpa's sleeping," Rory reported they walked back into the waiting room. "Oh! Luke brought food!" she said excitedly as dove for the bags. "If there's a burger, it's mine."

"I would have gotten you a burger, Ace," Logan chuckled.

"Not a Luke's burger," Rory said as she popped open a container and cheered as she had struck gold.

Christopher watched as all three Gilmore women pawed through the offerings that Luke had provided. "I need to get going. Gigi," he offered as explanation.

"Isn't she with your mother?" Emily asked archly.

"Uh, no, well, yes," he stammered. "Um, the nanny has to leave," he finished with a shrug.

"I see," Emily said with a nod. "Well, thank you for coming by," she said with a polite smile before returning her attention to her salad. "This grilled chicken is very good. Does Luke use a marinade?" she asked Lorelai.

"I wouldn't know," Lorelai murmured as Christopher exhaled dejectedly and shook his head. He turned to leave. "Chris, wait," she called after him. When Christopher ignored her and kept walking, Lorelai snapped. She flew from the chair, scattering paper napkins in her wake as she went after him.

"Don't you dare try to walk away from me," Lorelai said through clenched teeth as she followed Christopher to the hospital doors.

"I'm not going to talk about this now," Christopher said without looking back at her.

"Where have you been?" she demanded as she reached out and grabbed his arm in a vise-like grip.

"What does it matter?"

"I've been calling and calling all day!"

"I turned my phone off. I didn't want to talk to you yet," Christopher said as he spun around to face her.

"Listen, I know you're mad at me. You have no reason to be, but you are, I get that," Lorelai hissed. "But what about Rory? Did you even think about Rory?"

Christopher paused for a moment. "Rory has you, you're all she ever needed," he said defensively as he jerked his arm away and strode toward the doors, not even hesitating as they slid open.

Lorelai followed him out to the sidewalk and said, "You're wrong. She needed you. We both needed you, but you weren't here!" She pushed her hair back behind her ear and crossed her arms over her chest to ward off the icy wind. "Logan chartered a helicopter to get here, just so he could sit for hours and hold Rory's hand! Luke showed up out of the blue and spent the whole day running errands for my mother!"

"I don't want to hear about him," Christopher snarled.

"He left his truck in the Yale faculty lot, drove my father's car home, called Zach, and asked him to make us food and to pick him up in Hartford. Zach drove all the way from Stars Hollow to Hartford and back to New Haven just so Luke could get his truck and drop off food for us because he knew that we had been sitting here all day; waiting and worrying!"

"He's a hell of a guy," Christopher sneered.

"He is! He is! He spent the whole day doing all of the things that you should have been doing!" Lorelai shouted. "But that's nothing new, is it, Christopher? Luke has spent the last decade doing all of the things that you should have been doing!"

"I'm not going to listen to this," Christopher said as he started to walk away.

"That's right walk away, just like you always do," Lorelai spat bitterly.

Christopher whirled and yelled, "You're driving me away!"

"Where were you, Christopher?"

"I told you, I wasn't ready to hear it!"

"Where were you? Why weren't you at Rory's graduation?" she asked as she advanced on him. "Where were you when she had the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, huh?"

"I don't want to talk to you now. You're overwrought, you're hysterical," he said as began to walk toward the parking lot.

"You're damn right I'm overwrought!" she said as she followed him. "Where were you when her caterpillar died? Did you save the Christmas processional by rigging her halo to stand up when Cassie Norton got the flu and Rory had to be the last-minute stand in for the angel? Why weren't you hauling her microbe mattress around, or having your spare tire turned into a planter?" she demanded, pulling on his arm with all of her might, and skidding on the snow covered asphalt. "Why?" she shouted.

"Mom!" Rory called as she stood shivering in the doorway.

They both turned to look at her, and tears filled Lorelai eyes as she shook her head adamantly. She looked up at Christopher, her eyes pleading for answers she knew he would never give. "Why were you never there for her? Why did it always have to be me? Why do I have to marry you to get you to be a father to your own child?" she asked, her voice breaking.

Christopher looked from Lorelai to Rory and back to Lorelai. "I can't talk about this now," he said in a low voice. Christopher pulled his arm from Lorelai's hands once more and walked away from them both without looking back.

"Mom?" Rory asked as Lorelai approached. Lorelai pressed her lips together and shook her head slowly, trying to fight back her tears of anger and frustration. "He's being a jerk," Rory said angrily.

"He's being Christopher."

"Mom, I'm sorry," Rory said as she hugged Lorelai hard. "He should have been here for you. That's what a husband is supposed to do."

Lorelai squeezed her eyes shut; clinging to her grown daughter and holding on tight as she let the younger woman chase all of the fear and uncertainty away. "He's not my husband," Lorelai confessed in a raspy whisper.

"What?"

Lorelai pulled back and smoothed Rory's silky hair back behind one ear. She twisted her lips into a pale facsimile of a smile and took a deep shuddering breath as she brushed a tear away with the heel of her hand. "I screwed up really good this time, kid."

"You screwed up? What did you screw up?" Rory asked, confused.

"Your dad and I. Our, uh, wedding, it wasn't legal. I guess we missed a lot of steps, legal steps. Turns out you can't just decide to elope in France. Make a note of that."

"So, that means…"

"We're not really married," Lorelai said gently.

Rory's eyes widened for a second and then she breathed, "Oh, thank God," as she hugged her mother tightly.

Lorelai laughed in surprise. "Wow, so not what I was expecting."

"Well, I'm full of surprises," Rory said as she clung to Lorelai.

Lorelai smiled as she pulled back. She draped one arm over Rory's shoulder as she steered her back to the waiting room. "Well, if you liked that one so much, wait until you hear the rest brilliant plan we had," she said with a wry smile. "Sweets, you're about to find out how shallow your gene pool really is."

Rory nodded and said, "No need for water wings, got it. Tell me everything."

_**tbc**_


	6. My Heart Will Go On and On

**A/N: Now we near the point where we can wrap that whole fiasco up. I think this will be the penultimate chapter. I don't plan on rewriting the rest of season seven. I think that we will have one more just to get them pointed in the right direction. We'll see how it goes. Thanks so much for reading!**

**My Heart Will Go On and On**

Lorelai's cell phone buzzed again as she passed the Stars Hollow sign. The traffic light outside of the diner turned red and she glanced at the display as she slowed to a stop behind Mrs. Cassini's Crown Victoria. She gave the older woman a little wave as she reached for the phone. Lorelai sighed as she saw the Dragonfly's number displayed, and muttered, "I'm on my way Michel," as she tossed it back onto the seat. She looked up as the door to the market opened, and Luke stepped out clutching a bag of groceries. Her heart started to hammer as she followed him with her eyes. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel to keep from unzipping the window and shouting out the words that screamed in her brain. Those three words, pulsing through neurons, gathering in her larynx, clogging in her throat, and teasing her tongue with their bittersweet taste. "I'm not married," she whispered as he opened the diner door and stepped inside.

_I love you,_ her mind called out to him, willing him to turn. She was startled from her thoughts by an impatient beep, and looked up to see the driver of a battered Honda Accord drumming his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. She pressed the gas a little too quickly and the Jeep leapt forward. She blinked in surprise, thankful that Mrs. Cassini had long since pulled away. She drove two blocks and turned off at the road that led to the Dragonfly. She exhaled slowly as she checked the rearview mirror and saw that she had the road to herself.

_I love you_. Those three words bounced around in her head, ricocheting off of the uncertainty that shrouded every other thought, and rebounding from the self-doubt that had colored every decision she had made in the last year. _Three little words. I love you. I'm not married. I love you._ Suddenly she was back in his bed blinking up at a darkened ceiling and thinking about Charlie Rose, Mel Brooks and REM sleep. His foot glided over the top of hers slowly, soothing him to sleep. His breathing grew deeper and she forced herself to close her eyes and roll over onto her side. As she snuggled into her pillows, she felt him shift and roll, curling his body around hers as his heavy arm found her waist, pulling her to him, nestling her against his solid warmth.

"I love you, Lorelai," he whispered into her hair and her heart stopped.

_So Luke. So typically Luke,_ she thought sadly. _No fanfare, no momentous occasion, no passionate embrace, and no doubt whatsoever in his mind. I love you, Lorelai, _he had whispered just before he drifted off to sleep. Before she could react, he was snoring softly._ S_he had closed her eyes, safe in his embrace, and allowed herself to drift along with him without another thought about Mel Brooks, the man she had loved just minutes before.

The next morning, he was up and making coffee and pancakes long before she stumbled down the steps. Lorelai remembered loitering a bit, stalling her departure that morning; wondering if the previous night's declaration would be repeated, hoping that she'd have the chance to tell him that she loved him too. And she knew she did. She loved him deeply and completely. She was sure of it. He was, well, everything. He was infatuation, friendship, lust, and devotion all rolled up in one deliciously sweet and sour flannel clad package. He was love. She had fidgeted with a sugar packet while he poured her coffee into a to-go cup. After making sure that that lid was secured, he handed it to her with a quick peck on the lips. "Have a good day. Call me later," he said; his voice warm with affection.

"I will," she managed to promise. _I love you too_, she added, but only in her head.

Lorelai turned into the Dragonfly's parking lot and stopped in her usual spot. The engine idled as she closed her eyes. "I love you," she said softly, trying the words out, wondering why they felt like so much more when she thought about Luke. _Words are just words. The words shouldn't have been that important, _she told herself. But now, they rolled right off of her tongue. _I love you... Honey, I love you, I really do, but I think we should wait... I love you a lot... I can't wait to come home and watch flat sports with you and I love you, goodbye... I love you! I love you!_ Lorelai shuddered as she remembered the way she clung to Christopher, pleading with him to believe her. _I gave you the words,_ she thought sadly.

Luke rarely got the words. In all fairness, he rarely said them. She used to like to think that they didn't need to, and in a way, they didn't. She liked to think that their love was so strong that words couldn't do it justice. Oh, they were said on occasion. Whispered in a deep, sleep-drowsy voice. Breathed into one another's skin in moments of passion. Stated firmly when reassurance was absolutely necessary and used as a bargaining chip when it was all slipping away. But every day she felt it. For him and from him. Every day she lived it; a smile, a touch, a joke, a fight. It was fried chicken and cold feet. It was neckties donned on a Friday nights, and emergency runs to the local vet's house. She offered him a piece candy from her chocolate box, and he loved her enough to refuse it with a kiss. It was running to his rescue, even after he hurt her over and over again. It was looking at the man you adored and telling him that you had betrayed him in the worst possible way because the love you felt for him, and the pain that it caused you, was too much to bear. It was telling him the truth because you simply needed him to hate you as much as you loved him.

With a sigh, she turned off the engine, staring straight ahead at her inn. Their inn. She knew he'd always be a part of it._ You're gonna do fine… So send me a Honeybaked Ham... I told you that you could do this, and I already told you that I told you that you can do this… Here, these are for you. A little congratulations… Will you just stand still?_ _I'm going to be thinking about what I would have done if we weren't in a relationship, even though that would mean I wouldn't be in this position in the first place... Well, then you should network... I want to get a bunch, though. Frame one or two of them. How's the article? What's it say? I mean, you're seriously considering selling the inn and taking this job. I mean, where's their office, anyway? Well, what about the kids? Kids would be good… I hate this list... No, she's not at the Inn I tried the Inn... What are you talking about, it doesn't matter, I've been looking everywhere for you. I tried your cell. I went by the inn. Patty was at your house… _Lorelai blinked back tears as she pictured him there on her lawn, bewildered, confused and concerned. _There is no us. There's you, and there's me. It's over. It was over last night, and it's over now. It's over._

_But it's not over, at least not for me._ She stared at the front door and pressed her lips together. _He kissed me there. Right there. He will never kiss me again. How do I go on, knowing that? Can I? This is why I can't think about him. This is why I can't let myself remember what it was like to be loved like that. To love like that. How am I ever supposed to recover from that? _Lorelai shook her head and told herself that it was just all of the wedding talk that had brought it up. She needed to push it back down. She needed to lock it all away again. Otherwise, she would survive. _That isn't my life anymore, this is, _she told herself sternly._ That isn't my love anymore._

Lorelai scooped her cell up off of the seat and dropped it into her purse before opening the car door. She walked into the inn and was greeted by various members of the staff, who asked how her dad was doing. Minutes later, Michel had broken the sad news to them about Chin Chin's passing, and before she knew it, she and Sookie were immersed planning a memorial service. Once the discussion moved to the menu, Lorelai made a quick escape. She wandered into the reception area and stopped short when she saw Christopher hovering just inside the door.

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," she responded coolly.

"I guess we should talk."

"I guess we should," she answered, crossing her arms over her chest. Sookie and Michel's voices rose from the parlor, and Lorelai nodded to the stairs. "Not here. Come on." She led him up to an empty guest room, and closed the door behind them. "Okay, go. Talk," she prompted.

"Well, obviously we have some issues," he began.

"Issues? What issues? We got in a fight and you took off," she said angrily.

"I was mad."

"Oh you were mad. Then never mind. You should have left," she said snidely.

"Don't be sarcastic," he shot back.

"Don't tell me what to do, not when I wake up after we have a fight and you've disappeared," she snapped.

"I needed some space."

"Oh, you needed space? We're supposed to be married. You need space, you walk around the block, you go get a beer. You don't take off. My father was in the hospital. You weren't there," she reminded him.

"I turned my phone off after the fight. I was upset. I came as soon as I heard."

"You came and then you stayed less than an hour and then you left again."

"Well I didn't feel like staying much when I saw who else was there," Christopher said, his voice rising with impatience.

"I didn't ask Luke to come."

"Well you didn't ask him to leave, either."

"No, I didn't. He's my friend. He brought food," she said stubbornly. "You weren't there!"

"I was there. I saw your dad. I checked in," he argued.

"Checked in? I'm not the 6:40 to buffalo," she yelled.

"Look I'm sorry. I'm sick of seeing that guy," Christopher said defensively.

"Well how do you think I feel? I mean for two days I'm in that hospital eighteen hours a day. I didn't even know if you were coming back!"

"I needed time. Besides, you didn't seem to need me. Looked like you had everything you needed," he retorted.

"I needed you," she said flatly.

"Lor," he began.

Lorelai shook her head and said, "You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't surprised."

"That's not fair."

"No, it's not. It's never been fair, but that's the way it's always been. You were never there when I needed you," she told him bluntly. Lorelai blinked back angry tears as she shook her head. "I can't do this now. I have a million things to get done. I just, I can't."

"So, when?" he asked anxiously.

"I don't know. Later," she said as she opened the door and quickly fled the room.

Lorelai spent the rest of her day closeted in her office under the guise of needing to catch up on paperwork. The only thing she managed to accomplish was to count how many landscape photographs her screensaver could cycle through while she stared at it unblinkingly. At one point, she reached for the mouse and pointed the cursor at the display setting, testing her own strength as the arrow pointed to an uploaded file named 'my man'. She scrolled through the selection of preloaded screen savers, clicking on each one and testing them out. After two minutes of trying to lose herself in the star field, she gave up and clicked on the one she hadn't opened in eight months, but never managed to delete. An image of Luke leaning on the counter with both hands scowling at the camera filled the screen and then dissolved into a photo she had snapped of him wearing an old green hat that she hadn't seen in years. Posing with Rory at her graduation from Chilton, another of him wrinkling his nose in disgust as a disembodied hand held a piece of funnel cake to his lips, and the most recent, a picture of April beaming at the camera as Luke stood behind her holding a crumpled ball of birthday gift wrap. _That smile, right there, that's how you get past being called a cartoon character by the man you love, _she thought to herself as she studied the baffled but proud expression on his face.

Lorelai quickly switched the display back to the default setting, watching as his smile was replaced by a field of bright yellow daisies swaying in the wind. _A thousand yellow daisies,_ she thought with a sad smile. _How did he feel when I said 'yes' to Max? Was it like a knife slicing into him? A thousand knives? Did it hurt as bad as hearing the words 'Come by after eight'? _she wondered. A close up of a stargazer lily filled the screen, and she bit her lip and closed her eyes, recalling the sweet scent of promise she had inhaled from the bouquet he had shyly presented to her. She sighed heavily as she looked at the time and pushed her chair back. She gathered her purse and coat and left the safety of her office, closing the door quietly behind her. She gave Tobin a wave to let him know that she was out for the night, and then trudged slowly to her car.

When she spotted the Volvo parked in the driveway, Lorelai sucked in a breath. She parked beside it, knowing that there was no way that Christopher would be staying under her roof that night. The flat screen showed a basketball game and the announcers droned on and on as she closed the front door.

"Hey," she greeted him tiredly.

"Hey."

"Sorry I'm late. It was busy at work," she lied.

"That's okay. I hope you don't mind. I saw you were using three of them, so I thought I'd program your universal remote," he said with a nervous smile.

"Thanks. Want some coffee?" she asked, stalling for time.

"No, I'm okay. Unless you want some," he added as he turned off the TV.

"No, I'm okay," she told him, anxious to get it all out in the open.

"So, uh..." he said as he rubbed his chin.

"So, uh..." she repeated as she moved to sit down across from him.

"I've been thinking about things, and you're right. I shouldn't have taken off," he conceded.

"No, you shouldn't have. "

"But you got to understand, Lor, that letter…"

"Ugh. Character reference," she insisted.

"Whatever."

"No, not whatever. There's a big difference between a letter and a character reference. I had to write that stuff for Luke for a judge so he could get custody of his kid," she said adamantly.

"Don't do that," Christopher insisted.

"What?"

"Make me think this is all in my head."

"It is!"

"It's not! I see the way you look at him," he accused.

"Stop. I chose you. I married you."

"Not really."

"I was going to!"

"It's not that simple," he yelled.

"What else is there?"

"Stuff! There's other stuff," he shouted.

"Like what?"

"I got into a fight with the guy, Lor," he told her.

"What? When? I mean, I know he hit you."

Christopher shook his head and said, "About a month ago, that night, the night you talked to Sherry. It was at the gazebo, I just walked up to him. We started whaling on each other."

"Why wouldn't you tell me that?" she demanded.

"Tell you that he's still in love with you?" Christopher asked derisively. "Tell you that he still wants you?" Christopher shook his head and said, "It's not something I'm exactly proud of. I mean this is what it's come to; I'm fighting the guy in the street."

"I don't, Isn't that the kind of thing you would tell a person? I mean, I could help. I could have been more sensitive," Lorelai wondered aloud.

"It's not just about the fight, Lor. I should have given you more time. You asked me to. I said I would. I didn't," Christopher said quietly.

"No, Chris."

"You were vulnerable, and I pushed you," he insisted. "And I think it's because we always had this timing issue. You know we were too young, and then Sherry got pregnant. You were with him and, I don't know. I saw this opportunity, and I thought, 'Now, we should do this now while we have the chance, while you're free and clear.' But you weren't. You're not."

"Yes, I was!"

Christopher shook his head and said, "You were engaged to him, Lor. You needed time to, uh, disengage. Now I think you may never be able to."

"That's not what this is. We were together now. Maybe we did rush into it, but we can, we could have worked this out," Lorelai said stubbornly.

"I don't think we can," he said softly.

"What does that mean? You're giving up?"

"I don't know what else to do," he said as he held out his hands helplessly.

"There's lots else to do. Why? Why am I always left here to figure it out? Why do you always cut and run the minute there's any kind of confrontation? Why do men always tell me that they love me, but then they run away the minute things don't go the way they planned?" she demanded.

"You really think I should stay until you can convince yourself that I'm the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I've been asking you to marry me for twenty years. We're finally here, and I'm still asking you. Every day, Lor, I feel like I have to ask you all over again," he said, his voice cracking with emotion.

"That's terrible. I'm sorry if you feel that way, if I made you feel that way. That's not how I feel. I was in this," she said sincerely.

"I want to believe that. I do believe that you really wanted to be. I really want to believe that I could be the one," Christopher told her with a sad smile.

"You should. It's true."

Christopher's smile faded as he took in the stubborn lift of her chin and the determined set of her jaw. He took a deep breath and then said, "Look, I should probably get back to my mom's. Gigi's been there all day, so…"

Lorelai stood up as he did, rubbing her hands together nervously. "Yeah, you should be with her. How is she?"

"She's fine. She's good. "

"So, we'll talk more tomorrow?" she asked cautiously.

"Okay. Yeah," Christopher answered.

He walked to the door and let himself out, knowing that they would talk, knowing that he would hope, and knowing that that he was going to lose in the end. He pulled his keys from his pocket as he walked toward the Volvo, noting how she had graciously not blocked him in with her Jeep. He slid behind the wheel and looked up into the rearview mirror as he twisted the key in the ignition. He saw that the driveway behind him was free and clear. "I just wish she was," he murmured as he looked over his shoulder and started to back out.

****

The following day, Lorelai threw herself into preparations for Chin Chin's twilight memorial service, trying to block Sookie's question from her mind. Zach played a quiet rendition of _My Heart Will Go On_ as she leaned in the doorway, staring at the assembled guests without seeing them. _If there were no Luke, I mean no Luke in the past, no Luke in the picture. Would it be Christopher? Would he be 'the one'? _Lorelai bit her lips as she fought back the tears that burned her eyes. _No, _she thought sadly._ He was never the one. He never could be, no matter how much we both may have wanted it. I wish he was. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask?_

She pressed the clipboard to her chest, trying valiantly to push it back down, to fight it off. _If there were no Luke. If there were no Luke._ The concept was inconceivable to her. She couldn't begin to wrap her mind around it. _There was a Luke, and I will always love him, whether he wants me to or not. And no matter how much I may love Chris, it will never be enough. Not for him. Not for me. God, I hate it when my mother is right, _she thought with a shudder. _I do love Chris. I really do. I wish I loved him more. I wish it was him. It would be so much easier if it was him. It was so much easier to tell him. To give him the words I had such a hard time giving to Luke. Words are more than just words, though. There was just so much more wrapped up in those words when it came to Luke._

She looked at the sprays of flowers flanking Chin Chin's picture. _Life without Luke, I can't even picture it. No Luke at all. It wasn't the wave that did it. God, I hate that black hat, _she thought as she bit the inside of her cheek._ It wasn't the books of wedding invitation samples sitting out at the print shop. It it's not this stupid song. It wasn't even Luke himself. It was his existence. The reality of him. The beautiful, flawed, human, idiotic, sweet, solid Lukeness of him. _

She looked down at the program attached to her clipboard. _But it's not just Luke, or my love for Luke,_ she admitted to herself. _Yes, I loved him. Yes, I know he loved me, but he hurt me. Over and over again. I was miserable. Is it so wrong that I just wanted to be happy?_ she wondered. _And, I could have been happy. Christopher loves me. Christopher wants to be married to me. I want that. I just, I just don't want it with him. _

Somehow, she made it through the rest of the service. Somehow, she managed to walk out of that doorway without of thinking about Luke's lips on hers. Somehow, she made it to her car before the tears began to flow. She pressed her forehead to the steering wheel as she gulped in deep breaths of air. _Maybe, someday, with someone. Maybe one day there will be someone I can count on. Someone who believes in me, who believes in us,_ she told herself. _Maybe one day, my heart won't be calling for Luke. I just need time. I need to take the time._

Thirty minutes later, she walked tiredly through the front door. She smiled wanly as she dropped her purse and keys onto the table and said, "Hi."

"Hey," Christopher said as he stood up, smoothing his hand over the front of his pants. "How was the funeral?"

"Sad," she said as she trudged over to the couch and sat down on the far cushion. She took a shaky breath and said, "It's not just Luke.

"Lor..."

Lorelai forged ahead, undeterred. "I mean, you were right. There are feelings there, because when that ended, I just jumped," she tried to explain.

"I pushed you," Christopher said, willing to take the blame for her.

Lorelai shook her head slowly and said, "I jumped." She drew a deep breath and then continued. "But, if that's all there was, if that's all it was, we could fix it, you know, with time."

"But it's not," he said sadly.

Lorelai swallowed hard, forcing the lump in her throat down as she looked at her oldest friend, knowing that she was about to break is heart. "You've always been this… possibility for me. This wonderful possibility. But it's just not right," she said softly. "And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Christopher nodded as he whispered, "Yeah." He took a deep breath and tried to chuckle as he said, "I guess I should have known, huh? It took me 20 years to get you to say yes."

A sob choked her as she tried haltingly to go on. "I need you to know... that you're the man... I want to want," she said brokenly.

"I know," he reassured her.

Tears fell from her eyes, rolling hot and fat down her flushed cheeks. "You have no idea how badly I wish..."

"I do." Christopher took her hand in his and said gently, "I do know."

Lorelai took a deep shuddering breath and then the tears flowed freely. "I want to love you. I don't want to love him anymore. It hurts, Chris," she said brokenly.

Christopher squeezed her hand gently. "I know," he said softly.

"And I hurt you, and I hurt Gigi and Rory and my parents. And, I can't just stop. Why? Why can't I stop hurting?" she asked brokenly.

"Because you aren't done with him," Christopher answered. He wrapped his arm around her, holding her close and letting her cry on his shoulder as he knew she should have done that night when she came to him broken-hearted. "And he's not done with you," he said softly as he stroked her hair and rubbed her back soothingly, letting her unleash all of the months of pain and denial. "I should know, I took the punches to prove it," he whispered.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never meant…"

"I know you didn't. I'm sorry too, sorry that I pushed you. Sorry that I tried to force something that just wasn't there," Christopher told her sincerely. "So sorry."

Lorelai sat back, wiping her wet cheeks with the palms of her hands, her eyelashes wet and clumped together as she blinked the tears away. "I really do love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Christopher said as he pecked a chaste kiss to her forehead. "I should go," he said hoarsely.

"Chris?" Lorelai asked as he stood up.

Christopher smiled sadly as he looked down at her. "You'll be fine. We'll both be fine," he assured her. He gave her shoulder one last squeeze and said, "I'll call you, set up a time for the movers to come and get our stuff."

"I'm sorry," she said again, unable to find any other words.

Christopher cocked his head and smiled wanly. "You know what? I'm not. Not really. Now we know, Lor. Now we know," he said as he walked to the foyer, took his coat from the hook, and closed the door quietly behind him.

Lorelai sat back, dropping her head back against the cushion as she stared up at the ceiling. "Yeah, now we know." She blew out a long shaky breath and added, "I just don't know what to do now."


	7. Up A Creek or Down the Lazy River

**A/N: Thank you to Domenica Marie for planting the seed, and special thanks to all who stuck through it all. I'm going to go pet a cute and fluffy bunny now... Smooches!**

**Up A Creek or Down the Lazy River**

As she peeped through the curtains watching the moving man in a grey work shirt load a pink toy box into the small box truck, she couldn't help thinking that it was a little sad that all of Christopher and Gigi's lives were packed up in such a small container. She saw Christopher talking to the men as they placed the last few boxes in the back, and then she saw him pluck something out of one of the boxes. He stood back, balling the fabric in his hands as the driver walked to the cab and his helper closed and locked the cargo door. She looked down at the portable phone in her hand; her thumb hovered over the 'talk' button, poised for action. When she looked up again, she saw Lorelai step out onto the porch, her arms wrapped tightly around her stomach. Christopher walked slowly up the steps, said something to her, and handed her the balled up cotton as he kissed her gently on the cheek.

Tears sprung to her eyes as she watched Lorelai twist the material around her hands, her eyes following Christopher as he walked to his car. He pulled out without looking back again and the moving van rumbled after him, leaving only the mid-day silence in their wake. Babette wiped a tear from her eye as Lorelai slowly turned and walked back into the house. She looked down at the phone again, and then placed it gently back on its cradle before sinking down onto the couch. _Poor girl. Another one gone,_ she thought sadly. _Well, this one wasn't right; a blind bat coulda saw that. But still. Poor girl._ She glanced over at the phone again and sighed heavily as she reached for it and began to dial.

****

_Synchronicity_. Lorelai stared down at the album cover design on the t-shirt. She ran her fingers over the cotton worn thin from twenty two years of washing and wearing. _Was it all a coincidence of events? Me, Christopher, Luke? Was it all just a part of some great cosmic scheme? If I was meant to be with Christopher, wouldn't it have happened long ago? If I was meant to be with Luke, wouldn't the cosmos have just left us alone? What if I'm just meant to be alone? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Was that the lesson I was supposed to learn?_

****

Luke stared up at the ceiling as Doula's cries woke her sleeping parents. He hadn't been sleeping. Not in days. _Beagles, hens and roosters. Throw in that ostrich and we can really have a throw down,_ he thought with a sigh. _Thank God April wasn't here to hear the Stars Hollow guide to animal husbandry,_ he told himself. _That would have meant another six hours parked in front of the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet or something._ Luke pushed the covers back, about to get up to comfort his crying niece himself when he heard Liz mutter, "Hey."

"Huh?" T.J. muttered as if he hadn't heard the baby squalling in the portable crib right next to them

"It's your turn," Liz reminded him.

"Hey, aren't we supposed to let her just cry to toughen her up and whatnot? Isn't that the latest parenting theory?" he asked.

"You only believe in that theory when it's your turn," Liz pointed out.

"All right, all right. I just don't want her getting too soft. She's got a wrestling future to think of," T.J. said as he rolled off of the bed. Luke sighed and pulled the covers back up. "Hey, there, little girl. How are you? How are you?" T.J. whispered loudly as he lifted Doula from the crib. "Oh," he sighed softly as the baby snuggled into him.

They were quiet for a moment and then Liz asked T.J., "Do you think Luke is lonely? I mean for real."

Luke's eyes opened a little wider as he heard his name, and then frowned as T.J. answered, "He does look a little lonely around the eyes." _Just around the eyes, you dipshit? You think?_ Luke mocked silently. _Try every single part of me. My daughter is thousands of miles away, I've lost the only woman I ever really loved, and you think maybe my eyes are a little lonely? Geez, what a putz.  
_  
"I think he's lovesick over Lorelai," Liz said softly.

"Oh, boy," T.J. groaned.

"T.J., I'm serious," Liz whispered.

"I just think that he might be better off lonely," T.J. hissed in response. _What do you know about better off? Look at you, you have everything, _Luke thought bitterly.

"I think they belong together," Liz insisted. _We do. We do. You don't know how hard it was not to drop that coffee pot and go running out of the diner the minute East Side Tillie started shooting her mouth off. I wanted to so badly, _Luke told her silently as he rolled over, trying to get comfortable in April's bed. Jess' bed. _The bed that they used before they left. I wanted to run to her. Run and run like I haven't run in years._T.J. paused and then said, "That's not what you said when they broke up. I always thought what you said then made a lot of sense, about them being in two different space-time continuums, something like that."

Luke draped his arm over his forehead as he heard Liz say solemnly, "It's all about the wormholes."

"Between the dimensions?" T.J. asked.

"Yep, all they've got to do is find the right wormhole," Liz said quietly.

T.J. shook his head and whispered, "I don't know."

_Finally. Something we can agree on. I don't know either, T.J.,_ Luke thought with a sigh. _Is there a wormhole big enough to get through all of it? Will she be on the other side. She married him. Not six months after she walked away from me, she married him. How could she marry him? _Luke squeezed his eyes shut. _She couldn't have done that if she still loved me. Hell, I barely worked myself up to a date in six months, and even then it was only because I saw her. With him._

_At least you got married. At least you had a kid. _Their words echoed through his mind, taunting him, haunting him. _Well, now we're even. We both have kids, we both got married, and now we're both divorced. Or about to be divorced, if what everyone is saying is true. _He rubbed his hand over his face and then blinked up at the ceiling, knowing that there was no way he would sleep that night. _I should get up and walk the floor with Doula. I should get up and go beat down her door. I should grab her and kiss her and tell her everything I want to tell her. But I won't. T.J. isn't the dipshit. I am. He has everything he set out to have. Hell, even Kirk has managed to hang onto Lulu longer than I had Lorelai. I'm the loser. I'm the moron._

_It probably didn't matter,_ he told himself. _She hadn't been around. At all. _

****

_What a week. What a month. What a year,_ Lorelai thought tiredly as Paul Anka led her through the quiet streets of Stars Hollow. They had been making the same circuit each night, weaving their way up and down the fruit streets, wandering into the square, sitting in the gazebo staring up at the darkened windows above the diner. She didn't dare come near here during the day. She couldn't trust herself. And she didn't know what to say. _I'm not married. I still love you. Probably not a good place to start._

She had thought about just dropping in for coffee. She figured she could make some idle chit chat about her dad's recovery. Maybe tell him about her mom, and the maids, and the nurse, and the chef. He'd be amused. He'd know exactly what she was talking about. The problem was, that wasn't what she wanted to talk about. Each day, she rolled out of bed, exhausted from the lack of sleep, worn out by her late night jaunts with Paul Anka, numb with fear and uncertainty. She knew she couldn't trust her sleep deprived brain to keep a lid on it all until she sorted it out, so she stayed away.

The days went by, and soon it was a week. A week of concerned phone calls from Rory. A week of increasingly panicked demands from her mother. All week long, she pretended she didn't see the worry in Sookie's eyes. All week long, she buried herself at the inn or at her parents' house, avoiding the sympathetic murmurs of her friends, and hiding from the man in the black hat. _I hate that hat._

Oddly, it wasn't thoughts of Luke that kept her from sleeping that night. It was the fact that she found Christopher's travel toothbrush in the back of a drawer, and realized that she hadn't thought of him since the truck pulled away. _How sad is that? Shouldn't I feel more than that,_ she wondered. But, she searched her memory and realized that she truly hadn't. Every day was consumed with Luke. Thinking about Luke. Pondering the possibility of Luke. Weighing the probability of Luke. Wondering what could possibly say to Luke. Trying to avoid Luke or anything that reminded her of Luke, which in and of itself, reminded her of Luke. _A vicious circle for a vicious trollop,_ she thought with a smirk. She stood up and Paul Anka rose, looking up at her tiredly. "Come on, we'll try again," she told him as she walked down the gazebo steps and headed for home.

****

_I'm giving her until next Sunday, and then that's it,_ Luke told himself as he wiped down the counter, preparing to close. _What are you gonna do? Demand that she talk to you? Demand that she want you again? Face it, she doesn't. She would have done something by now. You would have heard something by now. _He circled the diner, placing the chairs on top of the tables. _This is a hell of a wormhole,_ he thought with a snort.

_It's my own damn fault. I don't know why I listen to them. Like Liz knows anything about fixing a broken relationship. She just gets left behind with nothing to fix,_ he thought derisively. _It's obvious she doesn't even want it to be fixed. _He pushed it all from his mind, focusing on the tasks at hand, losing himself in the routine. After turning out the lights, he trudged up the steps, heading for the only bright spot in his week. He tossed his keys onto the table and pulled a bottle of beer from the fridge before dropping down into his chair with the phone. Luke fidgeted with the bottle cap as he listened to the phone ring on the other end.

"Hey," he said as he heard April's greeting.

"Hi Dad," April said, trying to force a little enthusiasm into her voice.

"How's it going?"

"Um, well, it's going," April said dryly.

"Come on, it can't be that bad. Tell me about the school," he prompted. Luke sat back and listened as April haltingly began describing her new school, the house Anna had rented for them, and the rocks she had unearthed at a dry creek bed.

By the time she got around to asking about him, her natural cheerfulness had been restored. "So, tell me, how's everyone there?"

"Oh, you know, the usual," Luke said as he picked at the label on his bottle.

"There is no usual in Stars Hollow. I want all of the gossip. Spill," she commanded.

"Well, Kirk is Kirk, but I'm used to that. I only wanted to strangle him three times this week, so it was a good week," Luke said with a low chuckle.

"And Lane? Is she huge?" April asked.

"Oh God, enormous. Just when you think she can't get any bigger, wow. Um, Zach is gonna start working in the diner more. Lane needs to be off of her feet more," Luke reported.

"That's good. She probably needs to rest more."

"Yeah, well I try not to ask too many questions. It's safer that way."

"Good thinking," April agreed.

"Liz and T.J. were here for a couple of days. They had rice moths in their house. Freaked them out."

April frowned and said, "Rice moths aren't much of a problem. I bet they were more freaked out by T.J."

"Probably," Luke said with a nod. "It was fun to have Doula around though; she's getting so big already."

"Send pictures," April said quickly.

"Liz said she had a bunch ready to mail to you," Luke answered.

"Dad, we really need to get you hooked up for email. It would be so much easier," April told him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll check into that," he promised.

Luke could practically hear her rolling her eyes as she said, "That's what you always say."

"Well, I have more of a reason to get it now."

"So, did you and T.J, have fun? Lots of male bonding time?" she teased.

"Loads."

"You know, they're a little different, but I really think that they work well together," April told him.

"They do."

"It's kind of nice, you know? Oh! Big news. Bad news," she corrected. "Gabrielle Wilder emailed me. Her parents are getting a divorce," she said in a low voice.

"Aw, that's too bad," Luke answered.

"Well, you know, they didn't really get along all that well. It seemed like they were always doing their own things," April said philosophically.

"Well, it's still hard," Luke said sympathetically.

"Gabby's actually pretty pumped. Apparently the rush to buy her affections is already on," April said dryly. "I mean, she just had Christmas, and her mom came home with a new iPod for her. For no reason!" she added indignantly.

"Yeah, but April, come on. An iPod isn't really gonna make her feel better about stuff," Luke cajoled.

"I guess not," she conceded. "Of course, you could load it up with all sorts of bitter, 'I hate my life' music and really milk it. I'm starting to think that I didn't play this whole moving thing very well."

"April," Luke growled into the phone.

"I'm just kidding. You know, you really need to lighten up," April told him.

Luke rubbed his stomach as he sat back in his chair and stretched his legs out. "Not much chance of that happening now," he said gruffly.

There was a brief pause and then April asked, "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Dad," April said knowingly.

"I'm fine. Really."

"I worry about you."

"Worry about me?" Luke asked with a laugh. "I think you have that backwards. I'm supposed to worry about you."

"I'm serious. You're all alone now," she said mournfully.

"I'm not alone. I have Liz and T.J. and your little cousin," he said as he looked around the empty apartment.

"It's not the same," she insisted.

"No, but really, it's not all that much different. You didn't really live here," he pointed out.

"But I was there. A lot. Especially after…"

The words hung in the air between them. "I'm fine, April. You don't need to worry about me," Luke said at last.

"I love you, Dad," April said softly.

Luke's smile lit his face as he said, "I love you too, Sweetie. I'll talk to you next Sunday?"

"Call before then if you need me," April said in a rush.

"I will," he promised.

"Goodnight, Dad."

"Night, April," Luke said quietly before disconnecting. He sat with the phone cradled in one hand and his beer in the other, staring at the big empty bed on the other side of the apartment. _T.J. is right, that mattress sucks,_ he thought as he ran his thumb over the keypad on the phone. _But once, it wasn't so bad. _

Luke glanced at his watch and set the phone aside as he drained the rest of his beer. _At least on Sundays I can sleep,_ he told himself as he turned on the TV.

****

Lorelai bent down as she worked her feet into a pair of ancient tennis shoes. Paul Anka sat nearby, looking dolefully at the leash on the step next to her. "I'm sorry, but this is what you have to do if you're gonna be the man in my life," Lorelai told him. He turned his baleful gaze to the clock on the DVD player as if he felt the need to remind her that it wasn't even five AM yet. When he turned back, Lorelai looked him in the eye and whispered, "I'm sorry. It'll get better, right? It has to get better."

Paul Anka sat docilely as she clipped the leash to his collar and then pulled her coat on. Lorelai pulled a pink stocking cap from the pocket and tugged it down over her bed tousled hair. "The walking helps. Gotta keep moving," she told him as she opened the front door. Paul Anka trotted out onto the porch and stood staring at the steps as she pulled the door closed behind them. Lorelai shoved her fingers into her matching pink gloves, lopped the handle of his leash over her wrist and then lifted Paul Anka to carry him down the stairs.

By the time they reach Plum Street, Lorelai was worlds away, replaying the scotch induced conversation she and her mother had shared the night before. Of course, by the time the dawn broke, Emily was back to being Emily, and Lorelai wondered how she ever could have mistaken her mother's tipsy ramblings for some sort of break through. _Independent,_ Lorelai thought with a snort. _Alone,_ she corrected. _I've been alone most of my life in one way or another. Alone in that big house with people who didn't understand me and never really wanted to know me. Alone with a baby to take care, a child to raise, a young woman to guide; with no help from her father. Alone in a relationship with a man who stopped seeing me, stopped hearing me, and didn't even realize it until I was already gone. Alone in a sham of a marriage to a man who could never be enough to make me feel sure of him; trapped in a mistake I thought I should live rather than admit. I should be used to it by now. It shouldn't feel so wrong._

The icy wind bit into her skin as she turned the corner, heading for the square. She walked slowly, letting Paul Anka lead the way, barely even glancing up to cross the street. She told herself that the tears were just because of the wind. She told herself that she'd be warm again once they got home. She told herself that she could sleep once she was sure that he was. I need to know that he's there, where he's supposed to be, that's all. Lorelai looked up as Paul Anka came to a stop in front of the diner. She glanced at the dim light he always left lit above the back counter, and decided that the shelter from the wind provided by the recessed entrance would be better than sitting out in the gazebo.

As she lowered herself to the top step, Lorelai smirked at her own ability to justify anything. She pulled her legs up and bent her body over them, huddling into a ball as the harsh wind sliced through her pajama bottoms. She closed her eyes, her breath warming her cold legs through the fabric as she felt her shoulders relax for the first time in ages.

Lorelai jumped when the door opened and Luke demanded, "What the hell do you think you're doing? You'll freeze to death out here!"

"I was just sitting down for a minute," Lorelai said as she whipped her head around to look at him.

"Get in here," he ordered. "You don't even have any real clothes on."

Lorelai shook her head stubbornly and said, "I hate that hat."

"What?"

"That hat! I hate it," she said, stubbornly turning away from him and staring at her toes again.

"Well, it's a hat. There's not much to love or hate about it," he answered impatiently.

"It's horrible. It's ugly and dark, and it doesn't match your eyes," she said mulishly.

"Well, that wasn't what I was going for that day," he snapped. "Are you coming in here or not?"

Lorelai shook her head and said, "I did it on purpose. I needed it to be over. Once and for all."

"What?" Luke breathed, his eyes widening as he realized exactly where she was going.

"I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to hate me, because loving you hurt too damn much," she said as she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Lorelai, please come inside," Luke said desperately.

"And I did. I do. I loved you, Luke. I love you still, and I don't know what to do about it," Lorelai said in a tear choked voice. "I want it to go away, but it won't. I want it to stop hurting, but it won't. I want, so much, to go back in time, do it all over again. I'd make you let me in. I'd make you let me be a part of your life. I could have done it. I could always make you do things you didn't want to do," she insisted as a sob caught in her throat.

Luke pulled the diner door closed behind him and squatted down. "Lorelai, please," he said in a voice raw with emotion. His hands curled around her arms, but she shook him off.

"Please don't. Please don't touch me," she whispered. Luke removed his hands, but stayed where he was, his breath warm and stirring her hair against her cold neck. "I don't sleep anymore. Remember how I loved to sleep? I can't. I haven't really slept since you… Since then," she confessed. "I just walk. Poor Paul Anka, he's worn out," she said sadly. "I'm so tired. I can't run anymore, I'm too tired to run," she whispered. Lorelai cleared her throat and looked straight ahead, wishing she had chosen the safety of the gazebo. "I did it on purpose, Luke. I did it to hurt you. I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me," she confessed. "I wanted it to be over. I needed it to be over because I couldn't keep hanging on, hoping it would get better."

Luke rocked back on his heels and dropped back onto his ass, pressing the heels of his hands to his brow. "Lorelai, it doesn't…" he began.

"Please, just let me say it," she said firmly. Lorelai took a deep breath and said in a rush. "I'm not married. I was never married. Not really. We were in Paris to drop Gigi off with Sherry. Chris kept on saying how it was meant to be, that we were meant to be. I knew he was wrong. I knew it wouldn't work. But I wanted it to work. I wanted it so badly," she said softly.

Luke sucked in a lungful of the frosty early morning air, trying to wrap his head around what she was telling him.

"I found out a few weeks ago. That it wasn't real. I found out that we weren't really married, and you know what I felt? I felt relieved," she told him. "It didn't last, of course. After the relief, I just felt scared. I convinced myself that we should do it anyway. My mother was planning this huge party. Four hundred Cornish game hens. I hate Cornish game hens," she murmured.

"But, you see, I told myself that I didn't. For months I questioned every decision I had ever made. I wondered if I ever really like Pop Tarts," she said with a bitter laugh. "You know what? I do. But for the longest time I thought maybe I just did the things that I did, or liked the things that I liked because everyone said that I shouldn't, but that's not true. I was right. Everyone else was wrong," she said as she lifted her chin a bit higher.

She shivered as another icy blast of wind whipped around the corner. Paul Anka whimpered, and Lorelai pulled him closer to her side, stroking his scraggly fur with her gloved hand. "I was right in the way that I chose to raise Rory. I was right when I decided to stay here, in Stars Hollow. I was right when I knew that we'd be good friends, and I was right to fall in love with you. The only thing that I did wrong was letting you push me away. I was wrong to keep my mouth shut. I was wrong to go to him. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never should have let it go that far," she said sincerely.

"I'm not sure that you could have stopped it," Luke said quietly.

"I could have tried. I could have made you see reason, made you see me," she told him.

"Maybe," he whispered. "I was too scared to see anything, do anything. I was scared of everything and everyone. April, Anna, but mostly of you. Scared of losing you, scared of keeping you," he said in a deep raspy voice. "I screwed it all up. I screwed everything up so bad."

Lorelai nodded as she stared straight ahead. She swallowed hard and whispered, "So, I'm a kayak."

Luke blinked in confusion. "A kayak?"

Lorelai nodded again. "That's what my mother says. A kayak. I have paddles on both ends and I don't need anyone else."

"Okay," Luke said softly. His brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what she was trying to say.

"Kayaks don't need another person to paddle. Canoes do. They need two people paddling to steer it," she murmured.

"Well, actually, one person can paddle a…" Luke stopped speaking she turned her head and shot him a look. "Doesn't matter. You're a kayak."

Lorelai nodded slowly and looked at him sitting up against the diner door with his knees bent. "All I ever wanted was to be a canoe with you, but I couldn't. You stopped paddling. I just couldn't keep paddling in circles," she said softly as she stood up.

Luke watched as Paul Anka danced around, wrapping the leash around her legs in excited anticipation of going home to his warm bed. "Lorelai," he called after her.

Lorelai pulled her coat closed a little tighter and said, "Go inside, Luke. It's cold out here."

Luke stood up, watching as she stepped off of the curb, her arms wrapped around her waist and her shoulders hunched. "Oh no," he said under his breath. He jogged down the steps and out into the street. Paul Anka turned as he reached for her arm, and Lorelai gasped in surprise as he turned her to face him. "I still love you too," he said breathlessly.

Lorelai rubbed her wind chapped lips together as she swallowed the lump that rose in her throat. "I guess we're both in a hell of a mess, then," she said with a weak smile.

"Yeah."

"Goodnight, Luke," she said softly.

"Good morning, Lorelai," he said with a shy smile as his fingers slid from her arm.

****

_I've been banished from my own diner by a short order cook that keeps bananas in the refrigerator and a twenty-one year old punk who thinks my name is Dude, _Luke thought as he pulled to a stop behind her Jeep. He stepped out of the truck and looked up at the house he had more sweat equity in than she had paid off of the mortgage. _It didn't take much, an armload of plates, a spilled pitcher of water and a shattered coffee pot. I've done worse, _he mused. When his marching orders came through, Luke escaped through the back door and headed for his truck. He had stopped as he reached for the door handle and dashed back through the door and up the stairs. Ten minutes later, he was on the road. And, here he was, an hour later, wondering what he was going to say to her.

A thousand words flitted through his head as he drove to Woodbury and back. Dozens of speeches were rehearsed and discarded before he pulled into the Dragonfly's parking lot. A few choice words sprung to mind as he stared Michel down, but only a simple 'thank you' was uttered when Sookie told him that Lorelai had not come in that morning. Now, he stood frozen on her front lawn, looking at the sad red ribbon he had tied to his offering. A moment of doubt flashed through his mind as she opened the door and stepped outside, just as she had that horrible morning. Luke approached the porch cautiously, every single word he had ever known suddenly escaping him as he looked up at her.

"Hey," he managed to breathe.

"Hey," she answered as she tucked her hair behind her ears. She looked down at the ground, trying not to stare at the bright blue cap on top of his head.

Luke wet his lips and looked away for a moment scanning the yard until he spotted the chuppah he had built for her so long ago. He inhaled deeply and then said, "I don't know what to do either. I'm not really sure how to fix this. I'm sorry that I hurt you so badly. That's the last thing I ever wanted to do."

"I know," she told him.

"I brought you this," he said as he held out his hand, offering her a canoe paddle tied with a red satin bow. "I don't know if you still want it. Maybe I should have gotten you the kayak one. But, um, if you decide that you do, uh, want this one, I have the other one," he said softly.

When Lorelai took the paddle from him she whispered, "Thank you."

"I promise not to drop it again," he told her earnestly.

Lorelai looked up from the paddle and into the deep blue eyes that fixed on her so intently. "I like your hat," she whispered.

Luke's lips curved into a smile as he said, "Thanks, me too." He shifted slightly, leaning a little closer to her as he said in a low voice, "I love you, Lorelai. I always will."

"That makes two of us." Lorelai's lips quirked as she looked down at the paddle in her hand. "We may be up a creek," she murmured wryly.

"But we have paddles," he finished for her.

Lorelai stepped toward him and Luke stepped back. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Will you just stand still?" she asked with a sly smile.

"Uh, yeah, but watch where you're pointing the thing," Luke said as he took the paddle from her hand and tossed it down onto the lawn.

"Oh, sorry," she giggled as he pulled her closer to him. Lorelai sighed as she felt the brushed cotton of his flannel under her fingertips. "Standing still?" she asked as she looked up at him.

"Perfectly," Luke whispered as he lowered his lips to hers.

_**Fin**_


End file.
